Meet the Candidates, Part 3

After speaking with white city council candidate Michael Kemps, CitSB was privileged to speak to perhaps the most accomplished white member of the city council, former mayor Jennifer King. Finishing up her first term, King was eager to sit down in our tattered living room couch studio and discuss the challenges of an election year stamped by an electorate eager to “throw the bums out and put some new bums in.”

CitSB: First let’s talk about your core values.

JK: Service. I’m about service. We accomplished so much in the first four years, but there’s still so much to do. Together we can make PV Estates the place we all want it to be: Secure, a great place for white families, an area where money can feel safe and grow, but most of all a place …

CitSB: Uh, hate to cut you off, but you said something on your web site that caught my eye. “PVE residents have a great tradition of active participation in City affairs, often expressed through a diversity of viewpoints and strong opinions.” What exactly does that vague non-statement mean?

JK: I think it’s pretty obvious for a non-statement. Our community is white and dedicated to money, but we have a diversity of viewpoints and strong opinions.

CitSB: Could you break that down for me?

JK: This city is rife with spoiled assholes.

CitSB: That’s what I thought you were trying to say. Okay, next, this doozy: “I want to speak for those residents who are interested in preserving and protecting our community instead of dismantling it.” How does one dismantle the community?

JK: Well, there has been a lot of dismantling going on if you had been paying attention.

CitSB: Like what?

JK: They dismantled the Lunada Bay Boys on Mom’s Couch secret stone treehouse. That was a historic structure. There was a lot of white history there.

CitSB: So in the last PV Estates election, two incumbents got the boot and one has just retired. People seem pretty angry and it must feel like your head is on the chopping block. How are you going to weather this?

JK: It’s important to remember the issue here is money. For example, pensions. Our challenge is to figure out how we can pay paltry salaries while simultaneously working people to death and not having to raise taxes to cover their pensions. It’s a problem faced by white cities everywhere.

CitSB: What’s standing in the way?

JK: State law on one hand, and our residents who really cannot afford to spend any more of their hard-inherited capital gains on retirement for mere police officers and the like.

CitSB: What’s your solution?

JK: We know that if white rich people work together they will always find a way to screw the little guy. Why should this be any different?

CitSB: Good point. I noted that you listed as one of your “background and qualifications” that you’ve been married to Steve Cox for 20 years. Why is that important?

JK: PVE residents need to know I’m not a single working mom, shuttling to some job in Torrance as I try to drop the brats off at school. I’ve been married to Steve for 20 years, and voters want to know that. It has been a loving marriage too, I might add, filled with love.

CitSB: That’s awesome. But do you think the single mom thing is really a big minus here in PVE?

JK: Oh, absolutely. One thing we know about single moms in PVE is that they’re either in too big a hurry to get their makeup on right, or they got a cougar divorce and half of a honking fortune so they are immaculately attired and tearing up the yoga mats at Equinox with the butt floss and the Band-Aid exercise bras. PVE voters need to know that neither one of those women is me, certainly not during the work week.

CitSB: Moving on to your education. You went to Stanford, Stanford, Stanford, and Stanford. Is it fair to say you have strong ties to Stanford?

JK: I think so. The university we attend says everything about us. For example I went to Stanford so I am smart. You went to … ?

CitSB: University of Texas.

JK: So you are dumb. Sorry, make that very dumb.

CitSB: You have a point.

JK: I know. Stanford, remember? Anyway, with my Stanford credentials I am a wildly successful founding partner of the appellate law firm King, Queen, Prince & Dunce. We make money, lots of it, every time we blink. It’s nothing like, for example, being a low-rent ambulance chaser who picks over the bones of injured cyclists, kind of like a jackal or a vulture, only nastier.

CitSB: Hmmm. Let me think about that.

JK: Take your time.

CitSB: So you have taken a stance on the community’s building permit process, you feel that it works?

JK: Nothing is perfect. We will always have those stone-and-wood abortions like that dogforsaken monstrosity at 600 Via Gorrion. But those people were originally from Torrance, and it’s not fair to penalize them for their bad taste. Some people are born without legs and we accommodate them. Some people are born without taste, but with lots of money. We need to accommodate them, too. Just because those folks want to decorate the inside of their home with Astroturf, why judge them? Astroturf is green, like money, and the hash marks are white, like white people. So it kind of fits.

CitSB: One last question. Big Orange biker gang?

JK: I think every agrees that they should be eliminated, we just have differing opinions on how. Some favor execution, of course, and I get that, but I think we could be more humane.

CitSB: How?

JK: Involuntary sterilization program followed by euthanasia if they keep riding. It’s only a matter of time before that Croissant Ride or whatever they call it kills another unicorn.

CitSB: Good luck in fending off the challengers.

JK: Thank you.

CitSB: You’re gonna need it.

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END

2 thoughts on “Meet the Candidates, Part 3”

  1. Normal residents of Palo Alto use an anagram when referring to the Leland Stanford Junior University — Snodfart.

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