Absenteeism

The most important thing about being a cyclist is not showing up. But you can’t just not show up, you have do it properly, and to do it properly you have to set the stage beforehand.

The most boring people in the world are like Major Bob, who always shows up when he says he will, where he says he will, and then does the ride he promised to do. Borrrrinnnnggg.

Exciting cyclists know that leaving everyone to wonder whether you will appear at the last minute is the most awesome thing ever. Best is when they wait around five or ten minutes, or send frenzied text messages. “You comin’ bro?” “Where are you now?”

Etc.

Here is how you keep ’em guessing and hopefully leave ’em disappointed.

  1. Tell your friends after a ride that you are for sure in next week. Don’t show.
  2. Resuscitate a ride like the Wheatgrass. Make it fun and exciting. Never come again.
  3. Get several people to agree to do a special ride with you. Don’t show.
  4. Text the night before, “See you at 6:00 AM pointy-sharp!” Don’t show.
  5. Go on Facebook and talk smack about how you gonna shred. Don’t show.
  6. Don’t text. Don’t call. Don’t show.
  7. Promise you are gonna do the ride, but never do. For six or seven weeks in a row.
  8. Tell everyone how awesome the ride is, it’s your favorite. Don’t show.
  9. Text five minutes before the ride and say you’re on your way. Go radio silent. Don’t show.
  10. Show, but then peel off and do a different ride.

Master these ten tricks and you will be owning everyone, if not every ride.

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END

5 thoughts on “Absenteeism”

  1. This is a really awful list. I am with the Major. And… if you want to be a bike rider you have to ride bikes.

  2. Did I win NPR today? Haven’t ridden it in ages, but assuming nobody else showed up…

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