We had to get up extra early to fit into the crazy busy schedule of Victoria Lozzi, Palos Verdes Estates treasurer and city council candidate in the upcoming PV Estates election. But it was worth it!!
CitSB: So what’s the one thing you want voters to take away from this interview?
VL: I’m not Mexican.
CitSB: Excuse me?
VL: You heard me. I’m not Mexican.
CitSB: Uh, could you explain?
VL: My maiden name is McDonald, Scottish, very white. Lozzi is Italian, which a lot of people think isn’t white, but actually it mostly is, Caesar was very white, but anyway it doesn’t matter because I’m white, not Mexican.
CitSB: So this is a major issue for your candidacy?
VL: Of course it is. I used this photo on the PVRRG web site and suddenly everyone on NextDoor is asking if I’m a Mexican just because I have black hair and olive skin. I’m white and I speak ENGLISH ONLY. I can’t speak Mexican, not even three words, not to my maids, my gardener, the contractor’s work crews, the janitorial staff at city hall, English only in this white girl’s house.
CitSB: Gotcha. Let’s move on to some of the other issues if that’s okay? For example, we heard from Michael Kemps about how he fell in love with money, and that is a pretty strong selling point for the voters. How do you position yourself on this issue?
VL: I hate to dis my opponent, I’m sure he’s a nice fellow, but when it comes to loving money there are only two candidates in this election, and I’m one of them. I think about money from the moment I awake til bedtime. You know why?
VL: Because I work at a bank, silly. I’m a banker. And I’m the city treasurer. Money for me is everything. If we want our great city to remain a great city, we have to get control of its finances. Without money there is no city. No art. No literature. No deed restrictions against colored people. No dolphins. Take away money and what do you have? Filthy people living in grass huts mating with their cousins, almost as bad as Torrance. But with money, you know what you have?
VL: Sub-Zero. Wolf. Prada. Clever bond trades, sub-prime mortgages, and of course Club Med, not to mention The Four Seasons.
CitSB: By Vivaldi?
CitSB: Nothing. Okay, so with money …
VL: You get to move out of Torrance.
CitSB: Check. Moving on, let’s talk about some of the issues that your opponents have raised, for example Ms. King’s 20-year marriage. How long have you been married?
VL: What does that have to do with anything?
CitSB: And she went to Stanford, whereas you went to Berkeley. I think most people would agree that Berkeley is pretty much third-fiddle to Stanford, and why should the voters go with a candidate who went to school with merely smart people when they could go with a candidate who went to school with people who were smart AND rich AND white?
VL: Well, the rest of my opponents went to schools like Cal State Fullerton, or Mr. McCarthy, who’s from New Jersey where they don’t even go to school as far as I know. So on balance, when you look at how much I love money, I think it puts me on a level with Ms. King, and way above the other candidates.
CitSB: I guess the other big issue is how long you’ve lived in PVE. Everyone who’s ever been subjected to a city council meeting knows that the first thing the angry citizens do is dodder up to the microphone and say, “I moved here in 1827 …” as if that validates the irrational, crazy, bizarre, and batshit crazy statement they’re about to make. That’s really a big deal here. How do you plan to deal with your novelty? Ten years in PVE? That’s like … nothing.
VL: I’d like to point out that even though I have only lived here ten years and money, I really love it here money. It is a wonderful community and money. My children went to high school and money here …
CitSB: But they went to junior high and elementary somewhere else, right?
VL: So? BIG FUCKING DEAL. They went to high school at PV Estates. PV High. Munnnnnny. Munnnnnnnnnnnny!! They are Poseidons through and through!
CitSB: Where did they go to junior high?
VL: None of your business. This interview is so stupid.
VL: (Shrieks in a purple rage) Listen here you deadbeat blogger weirdo freak! You call me a Torrancer again and I’ll knock your teeth down your throat!
CitSB: Sorry; that was uncalled for. One last major issue question?
CitSB: 600 Via Gorrion.
VL: (Relaxes) I think that is a non-issue. That house is not the ugliest house in PVE. There are at least three others just as ugly, and one that is uglier. So let’s not pick on those kind Astroturf salesman-type laborers.
CitSB: And of course I have to ask you about the Big Orange biker gang that has been terrorizing the local unicorns.
VL: It’s a complex issue but basically we should kill them.
CitSB: Thank you.
VL: You’re welcome.