Unique Japan Wanky cycling tour!
April 3, 2019 § 3 Comments
Starting in April, 2019, Wanky Tours will begin offering its first-ever Japan Cycling Tour, a unique riding experience for discriminating travelers who seek only the best. Please scroll to the bottom for booking information.
Tour highlights
- Stay in rustic Tochigi Prefecture, where no one gives a shit about you.
- Cycle 80-150 miles per day on roads that will break your legs and leave you a quivering, starving, broken shell of a human being.
- Get lost. Totally fucking lost.
- Ride home, totally beaten, on a local bus after giving out somewhere far from where you started.
- Spring bookings offer radical temperature swings featuring snow, rain, and heat. Whatever you’re wearing, it will be wrong.
- Soak up culture and history as you ride past ancient temples, Buddhist pilgrims, and old villages. You’ll understand nothing because you don’t speak or read Japanese. And you won’t care because of #2 above.
- Stay in Japanese inns and eat delicious Japanese food in tiny bites. You’ll be burning 5,000 kcal/day and consuming 1,500. Do the arithmetic.
- No accommodation is rated higher than one star, guaranteed.
- Tour leader will drop you. You’re on your own. Flat? Tough shit, hope you brought a spare and know how to change it. Sag is what you’ll be doing an hour in.
- The roads are unsigned, deserted, and far from anyone or anything. Experience desolation, hopelessness, fatigue, and emotional/physical collapse. Daily.
Customer reviews
“Oh, fuck.” Billy G., USA
“Worst nightmare. Ever.” Suzie Q., Dallas
“We got there, some dude named Wanky took our money, and we never saw him again. Total swindle.” Jeeves C., UK
“I made it the first day halfway up the Kiyotaki climb into Nikko. Snowing, freezing, 18% grades for over five miles, bitter switchbacks, horrible potholes, finally I quit.” Hester P., New England
“This was billed as a spring cherry blossom tour. It was like the middle of winter. We almost died.” Edmund H., Nepal
What to expect
Every spring, Japan’s cherry blossoms turn the whole nation a pretty shade of pink, very different from the corpse-gray you’ll exude after a day or two. The most southerly island of Kyushu sees some of the earliest blossoms, and our six-night tour in northerly Tochigi Prefecture will have few if any cherries in bloom. It will be cold AF, windy, and desolate, all at high altitude.
If your idea of fun is getting drunk, being pampered, and toodling on flat roads for a couple of hours in between bacchanalia, our Spring Tour will be a nasty shock to your cupcake-ride-accustomed legs. The first day starts nasty, brutish, and long. Climbs are unbearable and endless. However, you’ll be fed dribbles of hot coffee from roadside vending machines, if your fingers can thaw enough to feed in the coins.
Wanky Tours are based in the industrial city of Utsunomiya, a flavorless, drab, working-man’s city of gray and brown. Nightlife is nonexistent except for one or two sad strip clubs, and the local cuisine is greasy, salty, but thankfully cheap. You won’t care about the food as you’ll be famished beyond words and will gratefully swallow anything that isn’t nailed to the floor.
The key feature of Wanky Tours, in addition to difficulty, misery, bad weather, and substandard accommodations, includes a boring indifference to all your travel needs. For example:
- Getting around: No one will help you. Lost? Too bad, so sad.
- Baggage service: It’s your shit, deal with it.
- Bike repairs and maintenance: Hope you know how to use a wrench or find a bike shop.
- Understanding local customs: Not. Our. Problem.
- Internet: Can’t live a week without Facebag and the Gram? You will.
Why Wanky Tours?
Our satisfied customer, Eddy M., says this: “I’ve done bike tours all over the world, but nothing compares to a Wanky Tour. Brutal, indifferent, no coddling, at the mercy of the elements, all you do is ride, eat, sleep, survive, and pray you make it home. I’ve never been so destroyed or learned so little about a culture. It was like the Bataan Death March without the camaraderie. Can’t wait to come back.”
END
Cycling in the South Bay 
Make sure to arrive the day before your scheduled Wanky Tour begins, thus blaming your suffering and poor performance on jet rag. The pervasive morning smell of grilling fish as you pass through quaint villages will give you another excuse for being unable to breath. I did a short Akiruno to Hachioji and back death ride just after tochdown one year, and almost had to crawl up the last few hills.
Winning, winning, #won.
Veliminati Hell, love it…