Lately I have been working really hard to come up with a way to quit cycling. Don’t get me right, I actually love riding a bicycle. But over the years the activity has become overgrown with so much moss and dross that the only sensible thing to do is give it up.
I look around me and see so many people quitting, not to mention the development of excuses so bulletproof that no one could possibly question HOW MUCH THEY REALLY WANT TO RIDE but simply can’t. Here’s my top ten. I’ll be trying them out over the coming hoursdaysweeksmonthsyears.
- Cycling has become too materialistic. It’s all about stuff and never about actually riding. Outside. On a bicycle.
- My hip replacement. I was gonna have a great year this year and get fit and do what coach says but I gotta replace my leg. It will grow back stronger but until then, couch.
- Data kills the fun. Even though I don’t have a computer, a power meter, or a jock strap monitor, everyone else does, and it is a total buzzkill listening to their tales of data, or worse, asking me how far I rode. “I dunno.” And I don’t wannaknow.
- Everyone is dead or injured. It is a scientific fact that 100% of cyclists eventually dies, and 99.9999999999%, at the time they die, are not wearing a helmet.
- Chain cleaning. I am tired of cleaning my chain, even though with Wend chain wax, I never have to.
- Frame Upgrade Phobia (FUP). I’m in my third or second year with my current frame. This means that next year I must buy a new one or they will revoke my #profamateur license. And I cannot decide between all carbon that is 100% carbon and pure carbon matte black or shiny black. Most of my hair has fallen out worrying about it.
- Tummy pooch. Lately my tummy pooches out, although I suck it in manfully when people are taking pictures. Still.
- Cycling helps me live longer, but makes me more stupid and more boring and more wrinkly. So wouldn’t it be better to be brilliant, fascinating, and dead on Thursday?
- Short shorts. The new trend, modeled by Manny Guzman at Telo a few weeks back, is crazy short cycling shorts. I will eventually have to wear them, so quit now.
- Jeff Konsmo’s 19-tooth climbing gear. I rode on Saturday with Konsmo, whose climbing gear is a 19. Why even try?
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