Doping in cycling formally ends

After reviewing data from 2019 doping sanctions in the sport of cycling, experts have concluded that doping in cycling has formally come to an end. “This is a great day for cycling,” said USA Cycling CEO Rob DeMartini, drink in hand. “And easy on the vermouth,” he told the lady in charge of license renewals as he gazed happily out from his basement window in a small tool shed.

With stepped up enforcement, aggressive educational messaging to athletes, and a national strategy to make bike races as interesting/challenging as a Chris Lotts/Jeff Prinz CBR, “Doping is done,” concluded DeMartini. “Six cyclists were sanctioned in 2019,” he mused, “an all-time low. They were truly the last.”

Independent experts agree with this assessment. Grigory Slavovich, the former doping czar of Russia who is currently living under an assumed name in Birmingham, was equally sanguine. “Doping used to be what everyone in the bicycle racing did. Now it is not.”

When asked what he thought the causes were, he quickly responded. “No one is racing the bicycle anymore.”

END


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13 thoughts on “Doping in cycling formally ends”

  1. Michael Barraclough

    Why risk a USADA sanction wearing a number when local clubs look the other way when members use banned substances and participate in group rides?

  2. Sorry, but the proper translation from Russian is “… Now it is what they don’t.”

  3. Do you have any top suggestions for improving the situation? (This week I bought expensive lights and affixed them to my bike, but I don’t think shining that kind of light is going to help.)

    1. The basic problem is that kids don’t ride bikes anymore. Like baseball or football, you need a big pool of youth to funnel into competition. Cycling today is too expensive and the ‘rents think it’s dangerous. So with no young kids coming up, we’re left with the dwindling fields of bored and boring old people. Why ride a bike when you can look at your phone all day?

      1. Oakland — and the entire real Bay Area (not ‘South Bay’ in which you reside) — has a thriving high school mountain bike team scene. ‘Rents are ok with mountain bikes because kids don’t seem to get by cars much while riding trails. That may be the sport’s future portal in the US.

          1. https://www.nationalmtb.org/

            High School MTB racing equals:
            Kate Courtney
            Sep Kuss
            Neilson Powless
            Sean Bennet

            These riders surfacing to the top after just a few years of NICA’s existence. Its kids on bikes everybody!. Its sweet. And we all need to support and toot its horn.

            These last three riders are in the World Tour. Racing road bikes. Road bikes are just as badass as they ever were.

            1. I agree that we should support kids on bikes, whatever the discipline, especially those for whom it’s not even a “discipline” but exclusively a “fun.” And you are right, MTB is a gateway drug, cf. Cadel Evans, Floyd Landis, and a bunch of others. But road racing in this country measured by participation, events, licensed riders, and community support is dead. That’s because the average kid doesn’t ride a bike to get around anymore. They are driven by mom or they stay home and stare at the little screen. Every statistic for childhood obesity and decreased activity of U.S. kids on every level, in every sport, confirms this. Kids riding MTB, or anything at all, deserves support.

  4. Doping isn’t the only way fukkers cheat. Some promotors sanction cheating and for that I’m thankful, that was all the reason I needed to walk away

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