I finally found a solution to my excess hair production problem. There is a local business that specializes in scalp sanitizing. It only costs $30 (tip included), and they were able to completely eliminate my messy, unsightly, tangly, muli-hued mop in less than an hour.
The hair engineer advised that the solution is temporary, although there are people who will experience a permanent end to unwanted, continual hair growth. He suggested I return in six months if the problem persists.