I was looking for news to make up but couldn’t find any. The below will have to suffice.
- Hometown cocaine smugglers return from Colombia. Baby Seal and a host of other San Pedro ne’er-do-wells came back from Medellin yesterday, where they spent three weeks riding huge miles (allegedly), climbing huge feet (allegedly), watching Broomsy Brooksy collapse daily in the broom wagon, defending Baby Seal from a concerted gang of bikenappers, and doing dumptruck loads of pure SoAm coke. Nose reconstruction surgery has been scheduled for all.
- SoBay blog reader gets revenge. After an unflattering portrait of Jon P. appeared in these august pages, Jon, who was not wearing either of the new Origin Seizure Suits designed in conjunction with a monkey on LSD, showed up at the Donut yesterday and tore everyone’s fuggin’ legs off.
- New selfie spot discovered in Seal Beach. SoBay’s fastest finisher and most accomplished self-lover, Charon the Beautiful, revealed yesterday that he no longer hangs out at his Huntington Beach Starbucks Selfie Office. “It got too crowded with all the women getting my digits and the Cat 5’s asking for sprinting tips. You want to know my sprinting tips? I got 1,800 of ’em.” The Beautiful’s NEW selfie and self-admiration spot is at an undisclosed location in Seal Beach, “where your followers can see your calves better in the sunset and shit.”
- Brokedick donutters quit, form new #fakeride. After one time up to the radar domes on yesterday’s Donut Ride, the remnants of what was already a pretty sad group threw in the towel and did repeats up to the Domes, leaving Wily Greek to ride the rest of the Donut solo. “What’s wrong with those fucking idiots?” was Wily’s insightful comment.
- French champion gets lost on Peninsula, logs 20,000 miles finding way home. Local mystery rider Evens Lastnamemorefrequentlymisspelledthan”rusaitis” made a wrong left turn yesterday on his 57th interval up Ganado earlier this week and set numerous new KOMs, PRs, and tripped the Neighborhood Watch Volunteer Program in Palos Verdes Estates, Rancho Palos Verdes, Rolling Hills Estates, and the dumpster behind “Bill’s All Vegan and Breathanarian Eatery.”
- Guru finds form, gets multiple team offers. Venice-based octogenarian Guillermo G. was spotted on the peninsula yesterday displaying 345 threshold climbing watts and flicking Wily on the climb like a crusty booger. Veteran observers were pleasantly surprised, as the last time they’d seen this local legend he’d been riding with a box of donuts strapped to his midriff. “I got two team offers and am doing nationals,” Guru said as he vanished in a foggy haze of delusional mastersdom.
- CBR end-of-year Sunday crit sells out. Kidding.
- Big Orange releases not the ugliest kit ever. After careful planning and obtaining the consent of Dear Leader, Big Orange has released what all agree is not the ugliest kit ever. Quotes from club members: “I’d wear that sometimes, for sure!” “It is not the ugliest thing ever, mosdef!” “My toddler will love it!” and “I kind of have to wear it now that the Super Masters Big O renegade team from last year folded like a paper house in a typhoon and it’s either this kit or riding around alone with Heaviest Dee.”
Don’t be such a worthless deadbeat. It takes time and effort to create these diamonds. Go ahead and hit this “subscribe” link. It will reduce your chances of appearing here by 15%.