The one thing about cyclists is they love to carry around useless junk, and lots of it. The other thing is that they love to carry it around in some cheap-ass bag that doesn’t work, like a Zip-Loc, or they use a mini-suitcase strapped under their seat that’s barely small enough to fit in an overhead bin.
The thing I’ve used for years is a little zippy thingy that we bought a bunch of at Nippon Daido. They eventually fall apart but at $1.50 each, you go through about one every five years.
The downside to these little boy-boy ho-bags is that they don’t work all that great. If it’s a Zip-Loc it eventually tears, usually during a rainstorm. If it’s a little zipper bag, the ends tear and out fall your precious belongings at the least opportune times. “Where is my condom?” you’ll find yourself asking in the middle of a big ride while stopped behind a bush.
And these little boy-boy ho-bags are environmentally unfriendly. And they are made in prisons by slaves.
But the worst thing about using a little boy-boy ho-bag for your credit cards and DL and cash is the look you get when you whip it out, because you hate swapping back and forth between the bag and the wallet and now you’re seated at a swanky restaurant and fishing out a sweaty credit card from an equally sweaty zippered-up boy-boy ho-bag. Doesn’t matter how much you tip. You still look like a total loser.
Which I was fine with me until I heard that Frankie’s Fierce Hazel Bike Thingy had dropped.
These are made for bikers, designed by a biker, constructed of bullet-proof material, look classy, are sleek AF, and are exactly the right size for your credit cards, cash, and spare tampon. But Fierce Hazel doesn’t simply want you to abandon your boy-boy ho-bag in order to level up your wallet game at the 7-11.
She also wants you to shrink your carbon footprint, just a little, and so the bags are made from recycled fabric scraps. And she wants the people who make the bags to earn a living wage, so she uses a factory in Vietnam, run by women, that does exactly that.
I got my Fierce Hazel two days ago and took it on a maiden run to Santa Monica. It worked even better than it looked. The zipper enclosure has a tiny tab on either side for you to grip so that the zipper closes or opens quickly and easily. The inner area is big enough for a cell phone, but so is the outer pocket. It’s all waterproof and sweat-proof.
Best of all? When I whipped it out to pay for coffee, the barista eyed it. “That’s really cool,” he said. No one ever said that about a Zip-Loc sweating human fluids off the sides.
And of course it’s Christmas GIFT SEASON and all those other holidays too, including my favorite, Goat Sacrifice Druid Day. Hint, hint!
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