Donut Report 12/14/2019

December 15, 2019 § 14 Comments

It was a medium-sized group, maybe 30 riders. The three big hitters were Nigel Desota, the Wily Greek, and The Force. Baby Seal was in the saddle for his first ride back since his Colombian coke training trip, with more than a billion feet of climbing for every mile, plus a max heart rate of 220 each time he was beaten with a steel pipe as thugs tried to bikenap his steed.

It was brisk but not leg-breaking out of Malaga Cove, with Ben Lauer doing the heavy lifting.

Past Pregnant Point we were #blessed to have the PVE cops on strike, as they’ve lost 3/4 of the force due to CRAS, Chronic Resident Asshole Syndrome, a condition that causes public employees to quit en masse rather than put up with rich crazy people.

Coat-of-Arms Mackey, fresh off his design success of the two new Origin Seizure Suits, attacked early with Baby Seal but they were brought back. I pedaled hard out of Lunada Bay but was brought back.

At the Hawthorne light, Coat-of-Arms went again, this time followed by Ponderous D., who pedaled bravely until just past the toilets where the road began to ever so slightly go upwards. I pedaled hard some more but was brought back at the top of the Terranea rollers a/k/a Glass Church in Reverse.

Baby Seal punched it again and sprang free, and there was a hard chase up by the PB Beach Club. I was stuck on Fukdude’s wheel, with Nigel and Charon the Beautiful behind me. Ramon was perfectly positioned for #best #IG videography.

We got to the bottom of the Switchbacks, where Baby Seal was tossed into the wood chipper as The Force moved to the front. There were about 15 riders at that point and when The Force swung over she had whittled it down to about 8. I was hanging on by a meat thread.

Fukdude set it at threshold and rode all the way to the college, by which time there was only Nigel, The Force and (barely) me. The Wily Greek had attacked at the bottom and was up the road.

At the bottom of Crest, Nigel left us as if he’d just woken up from a nap and easily caught the Greek. The Force pedaled some and dropped Fukdude, who pedaled some and dropped me. At the top, Nigel out-duked the Greek for the #fakewin, with The Force coming in third. Folks, that is a second-year rider just seconds behind a neo-pro (Nigel) and a former Cat 1/best climber on the Hill (Wily).

The Force has upgraded her cement bike with forty radio antenna cables sticking out of the handlebars to a carbon thing that is feather light.

Davy Dawg settled into his power band coming up 9th Street in Pedro and dropped a bunch of people. On Via Colinita, hop-in-wanker Tony Wang(ker) unleashed a surprise 200 yard attack, which pissed off Charon the Beautiful, who chased him down and yelled at him.

Say what you want about The Beautiful, but he’s a respectful rider and doesn’t jump people who are riding tempo. The group fell into shards atop Via Colinita, reduced to Nigel, The Force, Baby Seal, The Beautiful, Wily, Koji, and me.

I got dropped, then Koji got dropped.

On Crest I picked it up, re-passed Koji, but couldn’t reel in The Beautiful. It cracks me up when people say he’s “just a sprinter” because he climbs like crazy when he’s going well. As The Beautiful likes to say, “I’m always better the second time.”

I think he’s talking about cycling.

The Force was with Baby Seal until she got tired of him, and then she was like, “Oh, you’re still here? Bye.” And back he went into the wood chipper, with Nigel and Wily slugging it out for the #fakewin.

Not that I was keeping score, but that’s the only time a woman has gotten third both times up to the Domes on a feisty Donut. But The Force wasn’t finished.

There was a big regroup, and Nigel and The Beautiful ripped it through Portuguese Bend. Wily went home or somewhere, and as we rounded the corner for the Glass Church, Ponderous D. went to the front to open up his own special can of Whup-Ass.

Unfortunately he couldn’t get the lid off, and somehow I found myself pedaling harder and then I was alone, which I don’t like, but which didn’t last long because Nigel came blasting by and I barely attached as we crested the top.

Dawg had been dragged across by The Beautiful, and then they all dropped me on the run-in to the #fakesprint, but it didn’t matter because the next closest rider was still back in Long Beach. Dawg and The Beautiful gave Nigel the world’s fastest leadout. “You’re now one of three people in SoCal who has ever passed The Beautiful in a sprint,” I told him.

We got to Zumaya and The Force dropped everyone and got to the top first. Pretty sure that’s the strongest Donut of any woman ever.

I went home and slept all day, Donut coma for sure.


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