South Bay #fake news 12/15/19

*Warning!! What follows is NOT TRUE. It is “satire and/or parody.” Please do not read if you are easily offended (think Peter Flax) or even if you are very, very hard to offend (think igneous rock formation).*

  1. Local pro disses newbie upstart. UCI pro Krista D-H recently went to Twitter to vent her frustration at waking up on Saturday morning to learn that she had zero QOMs left in SoCal, courtesy of Rebekah P. “That little bitch! She doesn’t even have Di2. It took me six years to get those QOMs and she stole them all in an afternoon!” When told that she was now on KBH’s poop list, RP said, “Who?”
  2. BCCC ride captain announces pebble in road. Mario O., ride captain and safety chairman of the Bicycling Cyclists Cycling Club, announced last week that he had discovered another pebble in the road. “It’s important to shout at the top of your lungs when you see a dangerous condition in the roadway to alert all the dead people behind you.” Mario plans to release a detailed compendium of all road imperfections in Los Angeles County early next year, tentatively entitled “Step on a Crack/Break Your Momma’s Back.”
  3. Bikelaw firm sponsors ambulance company. Orange County law firm Sariol Bike Law Bike Legal Attorneys Helping Cyclists Bicyclist Accident Firm Serious Injury Bike Lawyer Attorney Advocates for Cyclists, LLP, has partnered with McCormick Ambulance for the firm’s 2020 marketing push. “We used to steal all Wanky’s ideas but figured it would be cheaper and more effective to go straight to the source,” said firm founder Gwen Sariol, who once rode a bicycle briskly. Plans include the Sariol “Ambulance Wrap” showing a cyclist being snatched out from under a falling piano by a lawyer dressed as Superman.
  4. Generous bike shop owner pays 59-cent Christmas bonus. Local businessman Tony J. announced that for the month of December, The Bike Palace in San Pedro would be paying a 59-cent Christmas bonus to all employees. “It’s the season for giving,” said Tony as he banked the shop’s best year ever.
  5. South Bay bike clubs spar over kit designs. Origin and Big Orange Cycling have recently pledged a blood feud to the death to see who can design the ugliest bicycling kit. With its decades-long hegemony, Big Orange seems a shoo-in, but the recent Origin “seizure suits” have so far blinded at least half a dozen pedestrians and killed one raccoon. Stay tuned for this friendly competition!
  6. Strava contest takes down ex-pro. Former ProTour cyclist Phil Gaimon took one of his own KOMs this past Friday, and in a fit of pique accused himself of doping and then unfriended himself on twelve #socmed platforms. Intermediaries have been working into the late hours to bring the two former friends back together.
  7. Journalist moves into public speaking. Peddler of poison drinks to children, right-wing influencer, and sworn enemy of vehicular cyclists Peter Flax recently challenged Wanky to a debate. Once the challenge was accepted, Flax announced with relish that he was available any day, any time, any place in 2036.
  8. 2019 Flog champ mails in winner’s whip. 2019 Flog Winner Ivan F., last seen riding a “bike” in spin class this past September, has mailed in his 2019 winner’s whip to an unspecified female rider. “After she owned me like a cheap whore on the Switchbacks yesterday, it’s time to quit fooling myself,” Ivan wrote on Instagram.
  9. USAC steals local newsletter. The U.S. national cycling federation recently plagiarized the legendary “Spoke[n]” defamation rag founded by SB Baby Seal, perverting its hallowed origin as a publication to pillory the brainless, and turning it into a mealy-mouthed sop for things like “Nutrition for Cyclocross” and other horrible ideas. Baby Seal has retained WankyLaw, LLP to protect his intellectual property. “Hard to see anything I’ve ever written as intellectual,” Seal mused outside the federal courthouse, “But it’s worth a try.”

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