*Warning!! What follows is NOT TRUE. It is “satire and/or parody.” Please do not read if you are easily offended (think Peter Flax) or even if you are very, very hard to offend (think igneous rock formation).*
Lokalmotor punts #zwift, becomes ranked masters tennis competitor. Feared hammer Derek B. dropped a bomb on the Gram that he has sold his Zwift cave, bike, and kits on Craigslist. “I’m into tennis now,” said the Destroyer. “No one ever got hit by a truck trying to get a little more topspin.”
Farrier spotted atop Domes. After having been put out to stud, former bicycle rider Dan M. was spotted showing off his brand new (for him) Toyota Camry as he zoomed up and down the Switchbacks on Saturday during the Donut Ride. Dan splurged with full leather (front) seats and a pricey pair of Ray-Bans as he revisited key sections where he had so often pointed out to others that it was his “easy week.”
Newbie crashes CTB photo fest with miniature calf display. Facebook servers temporarily halted when newbie calf model Andy R. changed his profile picture to display his lower sticks at the same time that Charon the Beautiful was uploading the results of a recent calf photo sesh. “That boy belongs on amateur hour,” said CTB as viewers were treated to another stupendous view.
New kit design highlights tummies & butts. Tired of the same old designs? There’s a new fashion sheriff in the South Bay dressing up riders with the Origin Seizure Suit! With giant swirls on front and back designed to draw the eye to the stomach and butt and then make them appear bigger than they are, local cyclists can’t wait to get their hands on these babies! “I just love it when a man stares at my gut. Anything that makes my stomach look bigger is a huge plus,” says a woman rider who spoke on background. Male riders were equally enthused. “It’s true that my butt sags,” says everyone. “And these swirls really emphasize that. Plus, the more the fabric stretches, the more the shape of the swirl distorts to accentuate my big ol’ sow’s ass. #winning!”
Bike law firm purchases prime advertising location. Sariol Bike Legal Bike Lawyers Advocates Helping Bicycle Riders Protecting Cyclists Biker Lawyer Attorney Barristers recently concluded a deal with Big Orange Cycling to get its “butthole button” inserted on the 2020 team kit, with a black-and-blue knob drawing attention to this red-hot spot. According to firm founder Guinevere Sariol, “The butthole button puckers atop prime real estate, and it’s a perfect insert for our new firm logo: ‘Never Half-Assed, We Cover Ass Wholes.” The firm is planning to purchase a bicycle soon to show its commitment to cyclist safety.
Law firm’s booze-n-drugs partaay celebrates new coffee sponsor. South Bay attorney, podcaster, sugar daddy, and ghost cyclist Orlando C. announced a major debauchery with the recent signing of sponsor Hi-Fi Espresso in Redondo Beach. From the Underwriter of All Things Origin himself: “It’s true I’ve never done the Donut, NPR, the NOW Ride, Nichols, the Flog, or even entered a Cat 5 CBR BRP. But I’m a podcaster, bitches, and I speak with authority because, money.” CitSB is still trying to positively identify “Stoner Jay” for a follow-up interview and purchase.
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