South Bay #fakenews 12/30/19

December 30, 2019 § 3 Comments

*Warning!! What follows is NOT TRUE. It is “satire and/or parody.” Please do not read if you are easily offended (think Peter Flax) or even if you are very, very hard to offend (think igneous rock formation).*

Bike law firm purchases firm bicycle. Bike Legal Attorneys Helping Cyclists Bicycle Lawyers Barristers Cyclist Helper People Sariol Legal announced today that the firm would purchase a “team bicycle.” Gven Sariol, firm administrator who “hopes to be a lawyer some day but not really,” told CitSB that “My dad is severely overweight and hasn’t ridden a bike since 1972, but we hope this purchase will reduce his blood pressure at all those nasty blog posts. I’m not a lawyer myself but if I keep driving around in a van and giving away electrolytes it’s going to help our bottom line.”

Click here for a really cool photo of this avid cycling-advocate law firm and their team of committed riders. “El abogado habla Espanol pero no sabe caca del ciclismo.”

Origin Bicycle Club launches seizure suit. South Bay bicycle club Origin launched its (now) world-famous seizure suit during a team ride this past Sunday. Team members were thrilled with the new look, the great fit, and the possibility that someone besides Ivan might someday actually enter a bike race.

Cabaret Law Firm misses launch of seizure suits as firm founder announces new promo video. Long time ghost cyclist Tony Orlando, founder of the Cabaret Law Firm in Gardena with Stoner Jay, has expanded from herb/vodka/whiskey law into the entertainment field with the release of his new firm video, “Knock Three Times.” “We think that this new venture really targets a new market here in Gardena,” says firm spokeswoman Dawn. “There are a lot of entertaining people in Gardena. Especially at the firm.”

South Bay softman decries use of First Amendment. Redondo Beach sock puppet, tough guy poser, and angry keyboardist Kevin Stalk recently intimated legal action against CitSB in an orthographically challenged email that appeared to have been written well past wine-thirty PM. “I would be very curious from a legal standpoint if your comments about Bike Legal and others are protected under the 1st Amendment. I am not an attorney nor an expert on the First Amendment but I will be reaching out to a family member who is a managing partner at a national law firm to get his opinion.” CitSB then received the following letter from Jacknabeen Stalk, Esq., of A National Law Firm, LLP: “Dear Mr. Davidson: Apologies for my silly third cousin. I get emails from him all the time about lawsuits he wants to bring against you, his neighbor whose dog craps on his lawn, his ex-wife, President Trump, and the letter carrier. Of course he’s no expert on the First Amendment, or anything else as far as we can tell except perhaps on getting dropped. I reviewed your blog and thought it was funny AF.”

Historic bicycle club ostracized for traditional, sedate kit design. West Side bike club VC LaGrange was recently disinvited to a regional bike club conference organizing the 2020 “Marital Infidelity Month,” which has been one of the high points of the cycling social calendar in SoCal for decades. “VCLG refused to meet member norms of outlandishly ugly outfits that would enrage motorists and those trying to beautify our roadways,” said an organizer who wished to remain anonymous. CitSB reached out to Rich Hirschinger, CEO, President, and DDS about the club’s 2020 design. “We decided not to go with the baboon Pap smear style currently favored by other SoBay bicycle clubs,” said Hirschinger, “even though it means we may be excluded from some pretty exciting events. Frankly, those darned seizure suits make my gums bleed. It’s good for business though.”

END


§ 3 Responses to South Bay #fakenews 12/30/19

  • Keeping It Real says:

    Salk isn’t “Dear Leader”? He tells everyone Orange is his RACERS-ONLY club so we assumed…
    Does this explain why FDR Queen has moved to Team Zebra as seen on Facegag?

  • LesB says:

    Taking your warning I declined to read.

    Regardless I am still HIGHLY OFFENDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    BTW, count on my continued subscription in 2020.
    HNY

    • fsethd says:

      I have so many non-readers who refuse to not be offended by the things they don’t even read. So thank you for paying for the offense! HNY to you, too!

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