It’s a numbers game

December 31, 2019 § 3 Comments

One of the best things about riding in LA is that many of your co-riders are really smart people who do interesting things M-F between 8:00 and 5:00. Occasionally you even get to overhear top secret discussions about major upcoming innovations, such as Google Arithmetic, which is the coming add-on to Google Alphabet.

On today’s NPR, I overheard Google engineers Dan B. and Rebekah P. talking about this top secret project. Turns out that Google has for years been searching for a way to devise an algorithm that can sequentially follow whole numbers.

It’s a lot more complex than you might think.

For example, the NPR consists of five (5) laps around the Parkway. Typically, this means that the first lap gets denominated “1,” the second “2,” and so forth until you reach “5,” which is the end. Most riders begin with 1, work sequentially through to 5, and then conclude their morning ride.

However, other riders have realized that what seems simple on the surface really isn’t. For example, what about the riders who start at Lap 2, and then sprint for the finale on Lap 5? Have they done three laps or five? Judging from the way that they go for the gold, it’s clear that they think they’ve done five laps Anthony Freeman.

Seems ridiculous, but it’s actually due to what Dan B. and Rebekah P. have identified as “pillow laps.” These are extremely intense intervals that occur sometime between 5:30 and 6:15 AM, and involve huge expenditures of energy as the head tosses from side to side and the shoulders hunch up into a squnchy snuggle in an attempt to harness more sleep.

“The snuggle is real,” says Dan B.

These pillow laps Rahsaan Bahati result, in fact, in an even greater effort than would have been expended had the riders been at the Pier at 6:40 when the ride begins, or had they hopped onto the Parkway at “Lap 1” instead of “Laps 2, 3, or 4.”

To solve this problem, Dan P. and Rebekah B. have made an important discovery in the world of computer programming.

Rebekah: “Google typically only uses 1’s and 0’s, but our research shows that there is a relatively limitless number of other whole integers out there, none of which have been patented and all of which are public domain. By using some of these integers, such as 2-3-4, we can get to 5 without eliminating the 1 or the 0. This would result in something we’re tentatively calling Google Count, and would be available to anyone with a Gmail account free of charge as long as we have access to the user’s private medical data, SSN, political affiliation, and as long as they use a small tracking device inserted under their corneas.”

Dan: “With Google Count as an add-on to Google Arithmetic, we’ll be able to logically progress throughout the NPR without any ‘lost’ laps, theoretically eliminating for all time the computing glitch known as ‘Hop-in-Wanker.'”

Other cyclist researchers at Google are simultaneously working on the fee-based, premier add-on service to Google Count and Arithmetic, tentatively called “Google Alarm Clock.”


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