South Bay #fakenews 1/14/20
January 14, 2020 § 9 Comments
*Warning!! What follows is NOT TRUE. It is “satire and/or parody.” Please do not consume if you are easily offended or if you are not skilled at reading.*
Local coffee shops rush to sponsor bicycle clubs. After a thrilling shoutypants featuring failed 1970s disco king Tony Orlando and Dawn, several South Bay coffee shops have signed on as sponsors for area clubs. According to Jared Jared, owner of Catalina Coffee Cartel, “We was looking out the window last Saturday and saw fourteen dozen cyclists congregating around a drunk dude with spindly legs while he and his girlfriend were yelling the heck out of some other coffee shop’s customers. It was some real tough guy, badass yelling and we thought, hey, we’d like in on that action so we done signed on with a club called Big Origin. You heard of them?”
Clubs merge, form Big Origin. Two social media powerhouses of the South Bay have fused to form a mega-fashion-social-media-punk-poser-occasional-cycling club. The new group, Big Origin, will feature four star riders, Punkin Spice, Salty Spice, Hawt Choklit Spice, and Mistress Spice. There will be a team launch and coffee spilling next Saturday at an as-yet-unnamed local cafe.
Origin expels sole woman rider for vaginifying club. Local rider “F.K.” was recently expelled from punk cycling fashion club Origin for what club boss Dawn and Underwriter of All Things Origin, Tony Orlando, described as “unacceptable vaginification.” According to sources, F.K. was seen doing numerous hard rides, dropping male riders, and otherwise crossing the “dick line” that generally prohibits female riders from behaving in ways that might suggest physical and/or mental superiority to club penises. When CitSB spoke with F.K. about her expulsion, she shrugged. “Tiny hands, right?”
Notorious B.I.G. Orange admits gang affiliation. More than three years after Palos Verdes Estates activist Robert Lewis Chapman, Jr., accused cycling club Big Orange of operating as a criminal organization, club president Lambo Seyranian sent out an email self-identifying the group as a “gang.” A federal gang task force has been set up to investigate alleged money laundering and racketeering by selling ugly leftover 2019 kits, of which there are allegedly thousands. The kit profits were used to fund criminal stop-sign running activities throughout the South Bay.
IHOP to buy BWR. Restaurant chain IHOP announced yesterday that it intends to buy the Belgian Waffle Ride. After a bidding war between International House of Pancakes and Waffle House, IHOP emerged victorious, purchasing all rights to the event for an undisclosed sum that is reportedly greater than twelve dollars. IHOP CEO Maple Sirrah was quoted as saying, “The Waffle was scorching our bottom line. In order to defend the pancakes, we had to fry the Waffle.” In 2021 the event will be known as the American Pancake Ride, featuring 15-mile, 6-mile, and 200-yard routes, held at the CBR Dominguez Hills course. Promoter Jeff Archbishop promises that “Participants will get their money’s worth, just like at my crits. The APR early bird rate is $350, with which you’ll also get the option to purchase an American Pancake Breakfast for $187, an APR finisher’s tee for $98.88, an APR beer mug for $76, and a case of Carson Municipal Supply Craft Water for $123, which normally goes for $124. We’ll also be offering a Beginning Pancaker Program, where new pancakers can learn the route at a discounted price of $500.” Archbishhop expects that the new tie-up between CBR and IHOP will “Be great for cycling and me. Especially me.”