I was going to bring my bike on this business trip but I didn’t. It’s not often that I go for this long without my bike, and when I do, it’s not good. At all. Here are the symptoms.
- Irritability. Too much energy and it all gets pent up, like gas.
- Bloating. Still eat like you’re riding, so your gut swells, like gas.
- Coffee. Constantly trying to trick your dulled body and mind with the alertness that comes from riding with caffeine. You think you can’t drink too much coffee? YOU CAN.
- Cloggage. You know how you’re used to going from “eat” to “expel” in half an hour? Shit slows down, so to speak.
- Benvy. Short for “bicycle envy,” which is what you feel when you see other people riding bikes, any bikes. Don’t matter how rusted, how ancient, how clunker.
- Bantasy. Short for “bike fantasy,” where you are in a constant daydream of imagining all the riding you would be doing, even though you’re stuck in some urban hellhole where they’d run you over at the first intersection.
- Seizures. This is where your back and pretty much everything seizes up from the non-exercise. Aches start to grow where you never, ever had them. Limbs bend with the agility of a dry tree branch.
- Fakecercise. This is what you do to compensate for not riding. Yoga, jogging, hotel gyms, and Internet are the main types of fakercise. THEY DON’T WORK.
- Bad sleep. You can kiss your solid eight hours good-bye.
There’s more but I’m too irritable to think about it or write them down.
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