Lots of people were out shopping today for canned food, bottled water, and whatever was left over in the frozen food aisle, i.e., nothing. After all of this shopping, fighting for parking, standing in line, and preparing themselves for the upcoming quarantine and bitter survival circumstances that await, they then sped off to the In-N-Out drive-thru line to wait another two hours for dinner.

No need to dig into those stewed tomatoes and frozen beets until you have to.

Who, though, has made proper preparations for the bikepocalypse? Because that is going to be much worse than the stockalypse. How will it come about? Simple. Car traffic will be banned in order to enforce the corona virus quarantine. State borders will close. All air traffic will be grounded.

The only way to get anywhere will be on your bicycle. The result? Everyone who was stampeding Costco will be stampeding the Bike Palace in San Pedro. Bikes that haven’t been pedaled since the great crash of ’87 will be dragged out and dumped off at the shop to get dusted off and dialed in.

And you? You’ll be wanting go for a ride, discover you need a tube, and everyone will be sold out.

So here are the things you need to go buy at the Bike Palace before it’s too late. And you can tell ’em Wanky sent ya.

  • Truing stand. When your wheel gets whacked no one in space can hear you scream and no one at the shop will be available to true it up. Get one now.
  • Pallet of sealant. I know, I know. You haven’t gone tubeless yet and don’t intend to. But all the people out there who have? They will come crawling. Sealant futures are already at $500/liter. Why wait?
  • Triple chainring. As much as you scorn those lowly tourists and their triples, when the bikepocalypse arrives you’ll be commuting from the South Bay to Temecula. Get ready to fall in love with gargantuan gear ratios.
  • Spare chains. Get a dozen. They don’t often break, as in “never.” But when they do, who you gonna call? That’s right. “Chainbusters.”
  • Aero bars. In the bikepocalypse, gangs of rogue bandits on hybrids with fat tires will be cruising the thoroughfares, looking for the slow and the weak to hunt down and kill. Every watt counts, and now is the time to upgrade to the new Zipp ergo-aero flat drop bars. You’ll thank me as you escape the clutches of murderous urban biker gangs faster than Snake Pliskin.
  • Bar tape. Don’t tell me you’re thinking about speeding away from bike gangs wearing themed baseball outfits without also thinking about speeding away in style. I recommend bright pink.
  • EPO and any energy supplement with creatine. They aren’t drug testing in the bikepocalypse.

Okay. Get these items asap and you should be good to go.


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16 thoughts on “Bikepocalypse!”

  1. We saw this coming. Got a garagefull of vintage 6 speeds with 36 spoke wheels. RetroTip– Amazon has plenty of dog food: Keto, gluten-free, whatever, to power your out and back.

  2. I waited until after the hordes and rolled into TJ at 7 this evening, holy crap it was surreal, I’m pretty sure Dali would have been inspired, biggest catch of the night was some frozen pretzels made in Germany, never seen them before at the house of Joe’s but they were good, so good my beautiful German wife liked them, so here’s to Dali. But wtf would you stand in line to empty the store of meat with 120 of your unknown friends when you are supposed to be isolated?

  3. I hate to admit I already owned everything on the list except Sealant (I still do tubes. I must have 20 spare tubes. I tend to make it my default bike shop purchase when i step into a shop.) Does ibuprophen count for drugs? Does it count as hoarding if I have been doing it all along?

        1. We’re running low on TP here but without any food to eat, the need for the TP is eliminated.

  4. All good except they have already banned group rides. Single riders are next.

    1. The quarantine should help with binge drinking, domestic violence, and compulsive overeating, especially by banning cycling.

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