Lots of people were out shopping today for canned food, bottled water, and whatever was left over in the frozen food aisle, i.e., nothing. After all of this shopping, fighting for parking, standing in line, and preparing themselves for the upcoming quarantine and bitter survival circumstances that await, they then sped off to the In-N-Out drive-thru line to wait another two hours for dinner.
No need to dig into those stewed tomatoes and frozen beets until you have to.
Who, though, has made proper preparations for the bikepocalypse? Because that is going to be much worse than the stockalypse. How will it come about? Simple. Car traffic will be banned in order to enforce the corona virus quarantine. State borders will close. All air traffic will be grounded.
The only way to get anywhere will be on your bicycle. The result? Everyone who was stampeding Costco will be stampeding the Bike Palace in San Pedro. Bikes that haven’t been pedaled since the great crash of ’87 will be dragged out and dumped off at the shop to get dusted off and dialed in.
And you? You’ll be wanting go for a ride, discover you need a tube, and everyone will be sold out.
So here are the things you need to go buy at the Bike Palace before it’s too late. And you can tell ’em Wanky sent ya.
- Truing stand. When your wheel gets whacked no one in space can hear you scream and no one at the shop will be available to true it up. Get one now.
- Pallet of sealant. I know, I know. You haven’t gone tubeless yet and don’t intend to. But all the people out there who have? They will come crawling. Sealant futures are already at $500/liter. Why wait?
- Triple chainring. As much as you scorn those lowly tourists and their triples, when the bikepocalypse arrives you’ll be commuting from the South Bay to Temecula. Get ready to fall in love with gargantuan gear ratios.
- Spare chains. Get a dozen. They don’t often break, as in “never.” But when they do, who you gonna call? That’s right. “Chainbusters.”
- Aero bars. In the bikepocalypse, gangs of rogue bandits on hybrids with fat tires will be cruising the thoroughfares, looking for the slow and the weak to hunt down and kill. Every watt counts, and now is the time to upgrade to the new Zipp ergo-aero flat drop bars. You’ll thank me as you escape the clutches of murderous urban biker gangs faster than Snake Pliskin.
- Bar tape. Don’t tell me you’re thinking about speeding away from bike gangs wearing themed baseball outfits without also thinking about speeding away in style. I recommend bright pink.
- EPO and any energy supplement with creatine. They aren’t drug testing in the bikepocalypse.
Okay. Get these items asap and you should be good to go.
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