Quarantine survival tips for cyclists
March 20, 2020 § 8 Comments
Like an overflowing dumpster that has been sitting out in the sun for far too long, the Internet is filled with advice about how to kill time during your quarantine. The advice mostly goes like this: Read a book, watch a movie, learn to play the zither, play a board (bored) game, take up Spanish (agaaaaaaaain), cook, do home exercises, clean, organize, dial up an old friend on Skype.
For cyclists, none of this works well because cyclist. Here is a customized list help you out in this time of great need.
- Fornicate. Cyclists have 7.9 times the energy of non-cyclists, which they dissipate through cycling, leaving them with 8.7 times less sexual energy than the population at large. The population at large, of course, doesn’t understand how riding a bike could be more fun than riding a person. As a cyclist you have untapped reservoirs, so to speak, that can now be unleashed.
- Squabble creatively. Mental health experts point to the incredible stress associated with living at eternal close quarters with someone you can’t stand who, adding insult to horror, won’t put the cap back on and never puts the lid down. For normal people there are a host of techniques and avoidance therapies available to help you cope with your soulmate. None of these work with cyclists because cyclists crave conflict. This is why they have group rides and Strava and Zwift-togethers. Use your natural inclination to fight and turn it into something creative. Don’t call your loved one an “old douchebag,” rather, ask him if he thinks men are genetically dumber than women or socially acculturated to be idiots. Open-ended, creative arguments last longer, burn more deeply, and kill time much better than simple epithets or rehashing that time he got drunk and had to be carried out of the restaurant.
- Unlearn a skill. Cyclists are all about doing proven things that work improperly, for example turning intervals into Strava segments that are wind-drug-motor assisted. With a pen and paper you can draw up a complete list of skills to thoroughly unlearn, made easier since you may never have learned them very well to begin with.
- Invent a “discipline.” Whereas golf only has two varieties, boring and miniature, cycling had thirty official variants at last count. The most recent addition to USAC’s Olympic talent program is Gravsledding, where you ride a gravel bike down a snowy slope that terminates in a mudpit. Disciplines begging for some structure and new type of bike so that we all have to get ANOTHER frame: Waterbiking (riding underwater), Spitbiking (riding on land spits that jut dangerously into shark-infested reefs), Burfing (surfboards with leg-activated paddles), Bikegee Jumping (leaping off cliffs on your bike which is tethered to a bungee cord but you are not).
- Design a kit. Never mind that you failed 3rd Grade art class, with Photoshop and your amazing sense of fashion you can certainly come up with something that everyone will want to buy.
- Reverse diet. Treat the quarantine, which is certainly going to last until August, as a winter-in-reverse. And what do cyclists do during winter? Hint: Same thing they do spring, summer, and fall–EAT.
- Create a new Barbie food. Why spend money on overpriced Gu’s, gels, and cycling snacks when you can invent your own? If you have a blender, some gelatin, a couple of jalapenos, and a can of Alpo you are all set to crack the competitive world of high performance nutrition.
- Complain to your club. Your club has a board of directors and let’s face it, they’re as bored as you are. Now is a perfect time to send a group email haranguing them about the new kit design. Well, actually, anytime is the perfect time for that.
- Cat down. Catting up is so 1980s. In the new century it’s uncool to race your peers and much better to race your inferiors, best of all to race beginners. Currently hold a Cat 1 license on the road? Think of the fun you’ll have and the primes you’ll snag when you show up at your first Cat 5 race in Carson.
- Try a new drug. One thing’s sure: No USADA testing during quarantine! What better time to ramp up your Chinese lab orders and get creative with your pharma. Got your hemoglobin covered but looking for a little more pop in the sprunt? Sprinkle amphetamines into your EPO solution! Amped up on ‘roids but need that zen-like calm before the storm? Go to town with a full range of CBD oils to take the jagged edges off your Decadurabolin.
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