Who killed Wanky?

I got a disturbing email a couple of days ago and am copying it here.

Dear Seth,

What happened to Wanky? I liked him a lot more than I like you. He’s funnier, a better writer, and way more fun to hang out with. I liked him so much I almost subscribed to your stupid blog once. Did you kill him? Is he locked up in your basement? Oh, right, I forgot you’re poor and live in an apartment and don’t have one. Or did he quit because even somebody named “Wanky” can’t live on $2.99 a month times three? Your non-Wanky blogging sucks. You never make fun of anyone, all your shit is serious, and I’d cancel my subscription if I had one.

Sincerely,
Almost Subscribed That One Time

To which I replied:

Dear ASTOT,

Wanky is alive and well. The strain of daily publishing finally wore him down, and with no alcoholic habits to sustain him, he finally left town on a journey of discovery. He is currently in east Bohemia on his bicycle. Prior to the pandemic he was sleeping in bushes and hopping onto free Wi-Fi hotspots now and then to let me know he was okay. Since the pandemic he’s been quarantined in west Bohemia beneath a linden tree, and all the hotspots have cooled, so we’re infrequently in touch. I did however forward him a series of letters I’ve gotten from cyclists regarding the pandemic and asked him to respond, to which he responded, “Fuck off.” But this morning what follows was in my inbox. Hope this is what you were looking for.

Sincerely,
Seth

Dear Mr. Wanky Sir,

I am an avid recreational cyclist who wants to do the right thing but the quarantine is very hard to obey, so I haven’t. Been riding a lot in small groups with my bros. Is this okay?

Wonderingly,
Sirrah Ridesalot

Dear Sirrah,

You are a complete fucking idiot. (Signed) Wanky

Dear Wanky,

The whole pandemic thing is a political ploy by the liberal black helicopter UN anti-2nd Amendment conspiracy to take away my right to ride my bike. They’ve closed public parks and bike paths and I read on Breitbart that they are building subterranean prisons to incarcerate people who don’t wear masks. What’s your take on this #fake #cornvirus that’s actually a #commoncold being used to usurp the U.S. Consution?

Don’t Tread on Me,
Buck Snodgrass

Dear Buck,

You are a complete fucking idiot. (Signed) Wanky

Dear Wanky,

Sorry but I just don’t believe that this pandemic is a real thing if it was how come China got better? I got tested and I got cornvirus and it didn’t kill me so why I gotta stay inside and lose my job this is sooooo dumb and illegal. alls I wanna do is race bikes. Thiose people who “dyed” from cornvirus were old and gonna die anyhow. Right?

Cat 3 Dave

Dear Dave,

You are a complete fucking idiot. (Signed) Wanky

Dear Wanky,

If science is so smart and we’re supposed to hunker down from this cornvirus, then why did people still get sick and die even though we hunkered down? Tell me that.

Inquiringly,
Sammy Sneedles

Dear Sammy,

You are a complete fucking idiot. (Signed) Wanky

Dearest Wanky,

There are a couple of doctors in Bakersfield, actual practicing physicians who work in a minor emergency care facility, not fancy Ph.D. MD’s from Harvard in a lab somewhere, who conclusively say that the cornvirus is not all that bad and that the only sensible step is to reopen the economy. They are well-attuned to the PRACTICAL side of medicine such as scrapes, bruises, cuts, sprained ankles, and funny clicking noises in the shoulder, as well as dealing with this cornvirus. Of course they’re ignored by the mainstream liberal media because their message is counter to what Nancy et al. want you to believe. I’ve attached a link here if you are truly interested in science as promulgated by independent thinkers who understand how this cornvirus thing really works. Enjoy, and I hope one day to be a paying subscriber sort of.

Respectfully,
Big Ring Bill

Dear Bill,

You are a complete fucking idiot. (Signed) Wanky

END


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12 thoughts on “Who killed Wanky?”

  1. Dear Wanky,
    You are NOT a complete fucking idiot!
    Signed,
    Curmudgeon

  2. Those two snakes spiraling up the pole is a depiction of DNA. It a remnant of the previous civilization buried under the sea when the mile high ice caps melted. We are at the trail end of the melt. History will repeat. None of this matters so just go out and ride and be wanky.

  3. I thought Wanky might be succinct on his his last answer and just respond “Bakersfield”

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