Wanky diet

There is no place in your apartment more personal than your refrigerator except for your medicine cabinet.

Lots of cyclists wonder, “What should I eat?” or “How can I lose weight?”

I don’t know unless you change up the questions to “What should I eat because I want to?” and “How can I not care whether I lose weight?”

Those questions I’ve researched fully.

For example, cake frosting. If you make it with butter and you intentionally make far more of it than you can spread on the cake, you are left over with a tub of frosting. It sits in the fridge and gets chunky and hard and you can spread it on everything. It tastes good on celery, for example, following the basic Frosting Principle: Everything tastes better with frosting.

For example, you can mix it with cookie dough and turn it into cookie frough. Problem is that by the time you get around to taking a picture, it’s all gone.

Or you can mix it in with vanilla ice cream to make frice cream.

Eventually you run out of stuff to put it on and are left with nothing but the tub. That’s not really a problem as long as you have some specialized kitchen equipment called a “fork.”

A proper Wanky breakfast, if you are focused on having enough energy to make it through the killer hours before 10:00 AM, should be high in everything.

A lot of people get fancy for their mid-morning snack, but it’s already 10:00 AM and you are starving. The only practical solution? Sourdough bread, butter, ham, and cheese. You can repeat this as often as you need to until you are good and full.

Well, you’ve been a good boy or girl so far, counting calories and not going to excess, and now it’s noon and you are ready for your first proper meal. Here’s where you get a chance to be good again, by eating leftovers, in this case eggs with feta cheese baked in a skillet with sautéed vegetables, olive oil, and crushed tomatoes.

Don’t forget the dab of cornbread!

By early afternoon you are feeling peckish again but since you’ve been good, you opt for something you probably should have had at the beginning, a/k/a breakfast. It’s never too late to make up for lost calories, and what better way than fried eggs with cheese cooked on a bed of toasted garlic with sourdough bread and a strip of bacon as a reward?

Breakfast … it’s not just for breakfast anymore!

As it’s getting time for dinner, you go to the store and get the makings for something healthful. A salad and some potatoes. But don’t forget the butter vegetable and the sour cream vegetable or you’ll be sorry!

All you have to do is fry up the onion, jalapeños, green onions, bell pepper, toss in some garlic, cook up some bacon, boil the potatoes, then mash it all up together and you get Tater Happiness. Unfortunately the photo was taken after I’d eaten almost all of it and stuffed the leftovers into a tiny Tupperware, so it’s all scrunched down. But you can trust me, it was yummy.

Finally, you’ve had a great day being good, counting your calories, eating healthy, and you can finally treat yourself to something special! Fruit!

But don’t get too carried away, because to go with the fruit you probably need a little flavoring. I recommend this:

So there you are. Day is mostly done except for your midnight snack to keep your energy up. You don’t want to find yourself in midnight snack hell, so, because you are a planner, you whip up a wheel of cornbread made with real butter and eggs and sourdough batter to take the edge off when you are sleepwalking. Add Serrano peppers to make sure you get a little tickle on your tongue!

Now you can peacefully contemplate the pink duct tape in your empty fridge as you plan tomorrow’s careful exercise in mindful eating! Good job!

END


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12 thoughts on “Wanky diet”

  1. You are ready for your second career as a dietition/nutritionist- unlike all the other lawyers I know who have transitioned into clinical psychology.
    WTF is up with that?

  2. My only disagreement is the use of “a strip of bacon” there is no such thing as “a” strip of bacon. Bacon follows the same N+1 principles as bikes

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