A sippy cup for your badass self
June 14, 2020 § 9 Comments
My grandsons never had sippy cups. They had regular ones with big mouths and so they spilled stuff everywhere. Mostly, though, they spilled on themselves, dribbling down their chins and necks onto their shirt collars. Or they tumped the cups contents onto their chest or lap. They would have sopped their bibs if they’d ever worn one.
This spillage occasioned a fair amount of wiping by their mom but she never got them sippy cups. Why? Because the spilling didn’t last. Before long they were able to manhandle giant glasses that took both hands, and were able to carefully drink from the biggest of vessels. If they could hold it, they could drink it without spilling. You see, they learned quickly that life sucked with yummy chocolate milk ending up on your chin or lap instead of in your mouth.
But this isn’t a rant on sippy cups, which have their place. Only their place isn’t in the paws of littl’uns, it’s in the fist of big’uns. Big, badass ‘uns like you.
Last year a buddy gave me a thank-you gift. I don’t recall what he was thanking me for. Maybe I had sent him a case or maybe I had showed him how to pedal more better, or maybe he had seen me do something that warranted a present or maybe he was a regular blog reader WHO WAS TOO CHEAP TO SUBSCRIBE. Nah, for sure not that.
And I know what you’re thinking: “I don’t need another fuggin’ coffee cup.”
To which I say this: “That’s true. You don’t need another one. You just need one.” In fact, you can take all your other coffee cups and toss them right now. It will enhance your self-standing as someone who doesn’t like clutter. It will advance the latent minimalism that you wish you could practice but can’t. It will clear out space in your cupboard which is now so fuggin’ crowded with cups and glasses that you can’t hardly get anything that’s not on the front row.
Best of all? It will forevermore banish the most brutal question a cyclist can face in the morning, that is, “Which cup do I want to drink my coffee out of?” The answer, my friend, is this:
Up to now you’ve answered that key cyclist question by means of affection. You have some cup that reminded you of that thing that one time that person said or did or that trip you took or whatevs. Or, you have some cup with some logo from some badass thing that you almost finished that one time and got that participant tee for. Maybe granny left you a set of Fiesta cups and saucers and you’re doing homage to dead people and suffering cold coffee as a result.
Doesn’t matter. This YETI beast will become your new best friend, your lover if you are lucky. It is made OEM by Giant Bicycles of highest modulus carbon with reinforced carbon which is itself 100% carbon. The interior is soldered with repurposed bicycles tires and spoke nipples to provide a more pleasurable drinking experience. But what accounts for the YETI’s ability to keep everything hot and cold at the same time indefinitely?
Answer: Physics, or more precisely, the lack thereof.
The YETI has opted out of the standard End User License Agreement requiring virtually all organisms and the particles from which they are composed to comport with the operations of quantum physics. By opting out, the YETI is able to do things that other cups simply cannot such as:
- Be hot and cold at the same time.
- Verify both velocity and location simultaneously.
- Occupy two different spaces at the same time.
- Determine the state of Schrodinger’s cat.
- Expand to fill the universe.
- Exceed the speed of light.
- Automatically block blog spam.
- Catch “the one that got away.”
- Ensure a minimum length of eight inches.
On the down side, this comes at a price. The smallest YETI retails for $19.99, although it does come in a variety of pleasing color selections to compensate for the up-charge.
Clear out your cupboard now and make it sparkle with the only sippy cup you’ll ever need. And tell ’em Wanky sentcha.