I’m starting to get concerned about my waistline and whether or not I’ve been overeating in preparation for my upcoming ride to Houston. A month ago I was about 155 but now I’m almost at 210. My girlfriend says I have to quit eating a half-gallon of ice cream before breakfast but I keep telling her that we athletes need carbs in order to fuel our performance. She says that “cyclists aren’t athletes, they are overfed grazers in the frozen food aisle.” She is pretty rude.
Anyway, I only have six days to go but I have started a diet. It is called the Paleo-Gluteous-Cupcake Diet. What you do is sit on a box of cupcakes instead of eating them. If you are like me you have a stash of Hostess cupcakes all over the house and the only way to keep from eating them is to squash them. Still, my girlfriend says that if you’re really a closet eater you will simply scrape up the mess with a knife and eat it in secret. According to her, sitting on the cupcakes is just “pre-digestion.”
One thing I learned from my last tour is that as a cyclist you can’t ever have too much food, so I’ve put a trailer on the back to make sure that I don’t run out of carbs. Some people who know a lot more about arrow dynamics than I do even say that a trailer will make me faster, climb better, and make my tummy look not quite so round.
Something else I learned (the hard way) is that riding by yourself sucks balls. Especially when you are tired, which is always. After reading up on proper touring and such on several touring sites I found out that you don’t have to actually ride when you are touring, or rather, you don’t have to actually tour when you are riding, by which I mean you can get the whole trip sagged.
For folks who don’t know what sag is, take off your shirt and stand in front of the mirror. That’s sag. Bicycle touring sag is just like that, a slow, droopy follow-car that hangs around, doesn’t really fit into anything, and is filled with snacks. When you have a bike tour sag-along, instead of having to do anything, the saggers do everything.
Make your food. Pitch your tent. Blow up your mattress. Fill your bottle. Pour your beer. Roust you up by noon.
All you have to do is eat, sleep, and hammer in #beastmode for forty or sixteen miles, usually sixteen.
So if I can get down to 207 or 206 before Sunday I will be ready for this beast of a trip. #athlete #justdoit #dontstopwontstop #beastmode