Impending doom

I’m starting to get concerned about my waistline and whether or not I’ve been overeating in preparation for my upcoming ride to Houston. A month ago I was about 155 but now I’m almost at 210. My girlfriend says I have to quit eating a half-gallon of ice cream before breakfast but I keep telling her that we athletes need carbs in order to fuel our performance. She says that “cyclists aren’t athletes, they are overfed grazers in the frozen food aisle.” She is pretty rude.

Anyway, I only have six days to go but I have started a diet. It is called the Paleo-Gluteous-Cupcake Diet. What you do is sit on a box of cupcakes instead of eating them. If you are like me you have a stash of Hostess cupcakes all over the house and the only way to keep from eating them is to squash them. Still, my girlfriend says that if you’re really a closet eater you will simply scrape up the mess with a knife and eat it in secret. According to her, sitting on the cupcakes is just “pre-digestion.”

One thing I learned from my last tour is that as a cyclist you can’t ever have too much food, so I’ve put a trailer on the back to make sure that I don’t run out of carbs. Some people who know a lot more about arrow dynamics than I do even say that a trailer will make me faster, climb better, and make my tummy look not quite so round.

Something else I learned (the hard way) is that riding by yourself sucks balls. Especially when you are tired, which is always. After reading up on proper touring and such on several touring sites I found out that you don’t have to actually ride when you are touring, or rather, you don’t have to actually tour when you are riding, by which I mean you can get the whole trip sagged.

For folks who don’t know what sag is, take off your shirt and stand in front of the mirror. That’s sag. Bicycle touring sag is just like that, a slow, droopy follow-car that hangs around, doesn’t really fit into anything, and is filled with snacks. When you have a bike tour sag-along, instead of having to do anything, the saggers do everything.

Make your food. Pitch your tent. Blow up your mattress. Fill your bottle. Pour your beer. Roust you up by noon.

All you have to do is eat, sleep, and hammer in #beastmode for forty or sixteen miles, usually sixteen.

So if I can get down to 207 or 206 before Sunday I will be ready for this beast of a trip. #athlete #justdoit #dontstopwontstop #beastmode


7 thoughts on “Impending doom”

  1. 53 of those weight gain pounds fit in the what is not (true) category and the other 2 will be gone day one of your tour.
    Looking forward to reading your exploits.

      1. I am sorta slow, (as in *dense*) so I amn’t sure you’re serious about the trailer. The sag wagon, I am pretty sure, is MSM red herring, conspiracy style mis-truth: you just want us to think you have sag support so we won’t worry on ya, but really you know we would be suspicious and *still* worry, so you threw the food/weight thing in there to distract us and raise a chuckle. (Warning: the pics of the happy cyclo-tourists on the ACA website are always of kinda soft-lookin’ “hey! This could be you!!” folks on another 25 mile flat idyll- trailers and sag support abound…)

  2. You need to start a few pounds overweight…like having a spare gas can filled to the brim…

  3. william derosset

    It was a fad for a few years for RAAM athletes to gain ten pounds in their taper to the race so that they didn’t get sick/had extra to burn in the second week. How long is the next tour? More than two weeks, I bet. You’re not gaining weight, you’re pre-loading for the journey.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: