There is really only one new year’s resolution for cyclists. Everything else such as climb better, do more mileage, ride more consistently, train indoors in bad weather, eat better, do more long rides, do more intervals, all of that stuff is subsidiary to the one overwhelming, overriding, all-dominating wish of every cyclist ever, which is TO BE SKINNIER.
No matter that your ribs already show out from your back from a mile down the road, and no matter that you are still in the top one percent of all Americans for exercise, BMI, healthy eating, cholesterol, and everything else. Ya still gotta lose weight. However, none of the resolutions work, and that’s partly due to physics and partly due to reality, which are mirror images of the same thing.
When a cyclist makes a resolution, they don’t ever really mean what the words seem to mean. Below is a handy-dandy Cyclist’s New Year’s Resolution Translator so that you can help yourself or your partner to better understand what’s really going on in that confused jumble of a bicycling mind.
Resolution: I’m only eating cage free.
Translation: If it’s not in a cage it’s free to eat.
Resolution: I’m giving up refined carbs.
Translation: I’m all in on the rest of them
Resolution: I’m going to accept myself as I am.
Translation: As soon as I am the hottest fucking chick in the room.
Resolution: I’m going to watch what I eat very carefully.
Translation: I’ll be eating everything in the closet from now on.
Resolution: I’m going to lose ten pounds.
Translation: As long as I can do it without being hungry.
Resolution: I’m going to start eating healthy.
Translation: I’ll be eating everything I’m eating now with a sprig of celery and a leaf of lettuce.
Resolution: There will be a lot more greens at dinner.
Translation: We’re putting flowers on the table.
Resolution: I’m going to exercise every day.
Translation: I’m going to kill it at the gym tomorrow and take the rest of the year off.
Resolution: I’m going to have a more active lifestyle.
Translation: I’m going to move my couch an additional 5 feet away from the refrigerator.
Resolution: I’m going to start using a fitness tracker to exercise more.
Translation: After doing an exhaustive Internet search comparing and selecting the best technology available I’m going to use it for an alarm clock and turn it off every morning
Resolution: This year I’m going to run a marathon.
Translation: Over the course of the year my cumulative running distance will be 26.2 miles.
Resolution: I’m going to cut sugar out of my snacking.
Translation: I’m going to add it to everything else.
Resolution: I’m going to lose weight so that I can be healthy again.
Translation: I’m going to lose weight so that I can go clothes shopping again.
Resolution: I’m going to involve my partner in my healthier lifestyle.
Translation: We’re going to put bicycles on the back of our RV.
Resolution: I’m going to start taking walks every Sunday with my friends.
Translation: We are walking to the bar instead of driving.
Resolution: I’m going to drink less.
Translation: No fucking way.
Resolution: I’m going to find a fitness partner who can hold me accountable.
Translation: I am going to find someone lazier than I am.
Resolution: I’m going to get serious about cycling again.
Translation: I’m going to buy a new bicycle.
Resolution: I’m going to feel good about myself when I look in the mirror.
Translation: I’ll be focusing on the neck up.
Resolution: I’m going to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.
Translation: Check out my FB feed with all those photos of how hot I used to be.
Resolution: I’m swapping out the beer belly for a six pack.
Translation: Of Coors.
Resolution: I’m going to get ripped.
Translation: Time for a steroid cycle.
Resolution: No more closet eating.
Translation: That’s why I have a car.