Cycling in the South Bay

Kilblarney O’Doulaghan, president of the Scottish Anti-Defamation League, today demanded an apology from Justin Williams, lead talker of the L3gion Los Angeles Unknown in Europe Professional Bicycle Racing Club. After engaging in name-calling, chest-thumping, timber-checking, and nyah-nyah-nyah-ing with Michael Hernandez in a post-race blubber-up, the orthographically challenged L39ion team posted a statement that said:

… everyone else seems to be getting away with it, scot free.

Velonews

“This is precisely the kind of racist language and racist stereotype we have been fighting since even before Braveheart,” said O’Doulaghan. “Scot-free is one of the most pernicious, nasty, racist, and demeaning phrases in English or Gaelic. We have been fighting since the early 1600’s to eliminate this pejorative reference to Scottish people, and it is sickening that L39ion of Los Angeles, despite their orthographic challenges, would continue to associate Scotsmen and Scotswomen with cheapness and the avoidance of paying one’s fair share.”

According to eyewitness accounts, L39ion of Los Angeles, after failing to field a team for any meaningful European race, let alone the Tour, gathered its forces for a run at the Salt Lake Criterium, America’s richest one-day bike race, with a combined prize list of $75 going 25 deep in the men’s field, and 15 deep in the women’s field, which had 15 riders.

On the final lap, Not Ready for Prime Time Michael Hernandez got boxed in by Over The Hill Cory Williams, and, according to Hernandez, Williams jammed him into the curb, making it impossible for him to latch onto the L39ion train and compete for the $15 winner’s purse.

After the “race,” Hernandez approached Williams, called him a nanny boo-boo and a bully and a pooky festersore. At that moment, Williams’s big brother Justin, who has never raced, let alone won, anything in Europe, hopped off his bike and called Hernandez a dooky-whoop, a flummadiddle, and a nasty poopy.

Before onlookers could intervene, Hernandez had spit at the elder Williams (42 years old and still dressing up in clown costumes), and the elder Williams had meanly mashed Hernandez’s little toe with his poky bicycle shoe, causing Hernandez to squeal “Ouchies!” and “Yip!”

Hernandez began to cry and pulled Williams’s hair, which led Williams to flick a booger onto Hernandez’s helmet. Officials pulled the two children apart, made them say they were sorry, and disqualified both racers from further Bike Races That Are A Farce, which, as L39ion later pointed out, was tantamount to a lifetime ban in the USA.

O’Doulaghan has appealed to sponsors, USA Cycling, and the 27 extant fans of US crit racing to join him in condemnation of this “racist” statement. According to O’Doulaghan, “It’s not until we treat all people with dignity, even cheap-ass Scotsmen, that our society has a chance of becoming just.”

When contacted for comment, Williams said, “What the fuck is that guy talking about? Scot-free is no different from other shit we say all the time here on the team like ‘Indian giver,’ ‘Chinese eyes,’ and ‘Jewed him down.’ Lighten up, Francis.”

Francis X. Hardiman of the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department was quoted as saying, “Idgaf. I’m Irish.”

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