Cycling in the South Bay

A reader sent me this with some very funny commentary.

In short, here is a well-researched and carefully marketed product that addresses the two most important things people feel about their shoes, and it isn’t comfort or fashion: It’s first and foremost having to bend over, and second, not getting dirty.

In case you missed the sales hook there’s even a little infographic with a red bar through a bending person and then, if that’s not enough, a tag line that says “Never have to touch your shoes again.”

Why don’t they just say what’s really happening, aside from the fact that it would repel buyers? The real tag line should be, “You are so pathetically fat and lazy, your ankles are so stiff and swollen, your knees are so worn out carrying that massive gut and man-boobs, and your back is so inflexible due to your sedentary lifestyle, fat ass, and completely degenerated abdominal support musculature that these are the only sneakers you will ever be able to put on without fear of a herniated disc and stroke.”

The secondary tag line should be: “You have an unnatural and unhealthy aversion to dirt, sweat, and grit, which is why you never go outside, never exercise, and are paralyzed by fear when it comes to flushing a public toilet. Worry no more, even about your own feet! With the new Sketchers hands-free Slip-Ins, all of the germs on your feet will stay there and never migrate up to your hands, allowing you to maintain a clean-room hygiene that keeps your immune system weak, inactive, and unable to fight off so much as a sniffle.”

My reader was more succinct, saying, “I bet this guy owns a Yeti,” and “The long term cure for never bending again is of course death, and these shoes not only deliver on the promise today but hasten the inevitable. That is some serious truth in advertising right there.”

Well said, and thanks for writing today’s blog.

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