Cycling in the South Bay

Yesterday I opened the back door to let Snykes into the small fenced yard. He spent a few minutes out there and then came in through the doggie door. The back door is in the back bedroom, so when he came back in I closed the bedroom door.

Late that night at 2:00 AM I awakened to the deep growling of my guard doggie. I listened intently and heard footsteps on the porch. We quietly sneaked over to the window and looked out. Two very fat, hideously ugly, despicable raccoons were searching the porch for food. They looked inside my shoes, which was a good bet but yielded nothing.

Snykes barked and I turned on the porch light. The two cowardly marauders with their ugly little bandit masks ran off. Snykes and I curled back up on the floor and were about to drift off … or so we thought. Suddenly we heard the tell-tale snap and flap of the doggie door.

Those little motherfuckers! We leaped up and ran to the back bedroom, where we could hear the noisy little shits running around in the room. I shouted and Snykes barked. I cracked the door and one of their ugly little masked snouts poked out. I yelled at it, and it disappeared. Raccoons make horrible, ghoulish little clicking, squeaking noises. They scurried out the pet door, which flapped shut.

Snykes and I fearfully dashed into the room and switched on the light. I opened the back door to see the two nasty little miscreants climb the back fence and disappear in the dark. My flashlight scanned. Nothing.

Snykes ran out to investigate. At that moment I heard a sound. Turning the beam I saw that the biggest, fattest, meanest little bastard was climbing over the fence to attack Snykes! They rushed at each other and a horrible battle began. The raccoon, shrieking like a ghoul, and Snykes, snapping and barking and growling, joined combat with the wail of Mordor. And worst of all, the other little motherfucker raccoon was standing on the other side of the fence scowling, hissing, and egging them on!

They fought and battled for at least two minutes. I was terrified for Snykes. Surely he’d be clawed to pieces by that nasty, filthy little antisocial rodent. But then they separated! The raccoon’s coat had numerous bite marks on the back but no blood. Snykes was panting. They stared at each other, the raccoon hissing, and his piece of shit buddy screeching on the other side of the fence. Snykes snapped again the fight resumed. Surely one or the other would be torn to shreds! I was rooted to the spot in horror.

Snykes cornered the fat and vicious little bastard against the fence and pulled back for a second, assessing his final attack. The scurrilous rat grabbed the chain links in the fence and hoisted himself to safety. Then, he and his rascal brother stood at the fence and hurled insults at Snykes! They didn’t even run away!

I called my little doggie and he came inside, panting and clearly terrified and traumatized by the vicious attack. I calmed him down with a pork chop and cuddled him. But he was bleeding. The filthy, rabies-infected rat had scratched my little doggie’s paws. Two tiny cuts bled onto our bed. He licked his paws and I gave him another piece of pork chop.

Frightened and shivering, we both went to bed and slept fitfully, dreaming of attacks by waves of nasty, stinky, killer, rabid raccoons with ugly snouts that were obese and rude.

The next day I read up on rabies and determined that Snykes’s risk was real, so I called the SPCA. Great news! He was fully vaccinated! Those dastardly rabies germs would have to go infect another animal, hopefully those nasty little raccoons’ own brood. We celebrated with another pork chop and a nap.

And I made sure to lock the doggie door shut. No more midnight burglaries for us, thanks very much.

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