Great pro cycling excuses, 2012

May 5, 2012 § 2 Comments

The season has progressed far enough for most of the pro peloton to realize that their contract for 2013 may well be in jeopardy. Rather than admitting that “I rode like a pussy,” or “I’m just not very good,” our drug-addled heroes have taken a more strategic approach that will hopefully improve their negotiating leverage in late October, when their desperation over a new contract conflicts with the physical and mental exhaustion that are begging them not to make one last-ditch dateline hop to Utsunomiya in a vain attempt to pick up a few UCI points at the Japan Cup.

The excuses are picking up steam, and here they are…

Mark Renshaw
Excuse: “Originally I had planned to ride Romandie but there were no stages for the sprinters.”
Contract Implication: “If there had been such stages, for sure I’d have won them.”
Wanky’s Question: “Why should they hire you to win races that don’t exist?”

Excuse: “I just need Mark Renshaw to lead me out.”
Contract Implication: “I’m the best sprinter dude in the world and the best leadout dude in the world.”
Wanky’s Question: “Isn’t cloning a kind of doping?”

Jacobe Keough–Tour de Langkawi 2012
Excuse: “For the first time I got a proper lead out (but only got second).”
Contract Implication: “If these fuck-ups in my lead-out train did their job, I’d be winning right and left.”
Wanky’s Question: “Instead of firing everyone else and keeping you, what if they fired you and kept everyone else?”

Andre Greipel–Het Nieuwsblaad 2012
Excuse: “At 300m from the finish line I was confident that I could not lose the sprint. Then Van Hummel swerved from right to left and there was no more space for me. I should’ve gone earlier.”
Contract Implication: “I can still beat Cavendish.”
Wanky’s Question: “Do you hear that sound out there? It’s the sound of no one believing you.”

Tony Martin–Rund um den Finanzplatz Eschborn-Frankfurt 2012
Excuse: “Today it wasn’t about winning the race but seeing where I am.”
Contract Implication: “When it’s about winning, I win.”
Wanky’s Question: “Can’t you see where you are with, like, a GPS or a map?”

Joe Dombrowski–Tour of the Gila 2012
Excuse: “My time-trialing is definitely not my strong point.”
Contract Implication: “I’ll get better next year.”
Wanky’s Question: “Have you ever heard of Andy Schleck?”

Cadel Evans–Tour of Romandie 2012
Excuse: “Unfortunately, things haven’t been going so well for me this year for reasons a little bit beyond my control.”
Contract Implication: “With a tweak-tweak here and a tweak-tweak there, I will fucking own everything.”
Wanky’s Question: “Reasons beyond your control…like, you mean, the reason that everyone else was faster?”


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