Cycling in the South Bay

Dear Wankmeister:

Every year I buy the updated version of Joe Friel’s training bible, re-up with Training Peaks, subscribe to a new set of Hunter Allen’s power-based training plans, and hire the services of a cycling-specific nutritionist.

And every year I still suck.

So instead of blowing my Christmas gift money on charlatans and fraudsters, I thought I’d hit up a fraudster like you because you’re, like, free.

What I need are New Year resolutions to improve my cycling.

Wankmeister, help me!

In extremis,
Puddly Piddles

Dear Puddly:

Ride more.

Succinctly,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

I know you knocked off the booze couple of years ago, and except for a couple of one-off drinks you’ve been dry as a bone. I don’t have a “drinking problem,” but I do drink a lot, I mean, like, a case of beer before dinner and a case for dessert. If I quit drinking, what changes can I expect? Will my cycling performance improve?

Staggeringly,
Sammy Swillsabunch

Dear Sammy:

If you quit drinking, I guarantee that you are sober. Will your cycling performance improve? No.

Bluntly,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

I’ve been totally following your South Bay Biker Hunger Starvation Diet From Hell Diet it is awesome I would love to do it but it sounds so terrible that I’ve been putting it off like flossing. Now that you’ve done the self-guinea pig thing I have a zillion questions about how it’s affected your cycling performance I don’t even know where to begin you’ve lost a ton man that’s awesome I bet you climb like Lucien van Armstrong now huh?

Frothingly,
Tommy Tubbs

Dear Tommy:

The only thing you will get from my diet, or any other, is hungry.

Gnawingly,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

I know this is off the topic, but what do you think about Lance and Oprah and the whole confession thing? Pretty crazy, huh?

Starstricken,
Sella Britty

Dear Sella:

Yes.

So over Lancedly,
Wankmeister