Meet the Candidates, Part 5

March 5, 2019 § 2 Comments

As we approach the March 5 municipal election for city council in Palos Verdes Estates, it is time to complete our penetrating analysis of the diverse set of almost exclusively white candidates running for office. It is widely agreed that this municipal election is pivotal in the history of PVE: Will the city remain white and exclusive, or exclusive and white?

We sat down with Kevin McCarthy, the New Jersey native who has worked with LAPD for over 30 years helping keep black and brown people out of wealthy neighborhoods and in jail where they belong. As a second term member of the PVE Traffic Safety Committee, we were especially interested in his stance on the Big Orange Cycling Gang that has been terrorizing the local unicorns.

CitSB: So, what’s a nice Jersey boy like you doing in a toney SoCal enclave like this?

KC: Hey, let’s get one ting straight. I ain’t from Joisey. I’m from Nu Yoak.

CitSB: Oh, right. Sorry about that. Which exit?

KC: Begya pahdon?

CitSB: Inside Jersey joke. Or New York joke. I can’t keep them straight. Which one is famous for its police brutality?

KC: Dat’d be Joisey. Nu Yoak ain’t bad, though.

CitSB: Check. So, we see that you’re really into traffic safety and stuff. What’s your position on cyclists in PV Estates?

KC: I lub ’em.

CitSB: Excuse me?

KC: Youse hoid me, I lub ’em. Bikes, see, dey’s great. Cuts down on da traffic, cuts down on da pollution, dey’s good fuh da viment, see? We need moa bikes heah in owa city. Dis is a small town and small town’s ain’t needin’ no moa cahs, see?

CitSB: Wow, a bike advocate on the PV Estates Traffic Committee? And running for city council? That’s incredible.

KC: Jus kiddin. Fuk da bikes. Youse wanna know what I tink when I sees a bike? I tink, dere’s a crook oughta be inna slammah, see? When I’m da boss o dis town dere ain’t gonna be no bikes nowhea, see? Dat’s how it’s gonna be when I staht callin da shots heah.

CitSB: Okay, so moving on, where are you on white people?

KC: Dey’s numbah one. Lub ’em.

CitSB: Taxes?

KC: Don’t need none o dem taxes, see?

CitSB: Local police force? In your candidate forum video, as one of the senior commanders at LAPD, you make it pretty clear that what’s good for Los Angeles would be horrible for rich white people. Care to expound on that?

KC: LAPD is a huge oaganization, see? PVE is a tiny town, see? See?

CitSB: I see. And finally, what about this photo of you on a horse trampling the lawn?

KC: Oh, dat? Dat’s my hoas, Bessie. Ain’t she a beaut?

CitSB: So you’re quite the equestrian?

KC: Nah, I’m a hoasman.

CitSB: Um, okay. Thanks.

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END

Meet the Candidates, Part 4

February 15, 2019 § 6 Comments

We had to get up extra early to fit into the crazy busy schedule of Victoria Lozzi, Palos Verdes Estates treasurer and city council candidate in the upcoming PV Estates election. But it was worth it!!

CitSB: So what’s the one thing you want voters to take away from this interview?

VL: I’m not Mexican.

CitSB: Excuse me?

VL: You heard me. I’m not Mexican.

CitSB: Uh, could you explain?

VL: My maiden name is McDonald, Scottish, very white. Lozzi is Italian, which a lot of people think isn’t white, but actually it mostly is, Caesar was very white, but anyway it doesn’t matter because I’m white, not Mexican.

CitSB: So this is a major issue for your candidacy?

VL: Of course it is. I used this photo on the PVRRG web site and suddenly everyone on NextDoor is asking if I’m a Mexican just because I have black hair and olive skin. I’m white and I speak ENGLISH ONLY. I can’t speak Mexican, not even three words, not to my maids, my gardener, the contractor’s work crews, the janitorial staff at city hall, English only in this white girl’s house.

CitSB: Gotcha. Let’s move on to some of the other issues if that’s okay? For example, we heard from Michael Kemps about how he fell in love with money, and that is a pretty strong selling point for the voters. How do you position yourself on this issue?

VL: I hate to dis my opponent, I’m sure he’s a nice fellow, but when it comes to loving money there are only two candidates in this election, and I’m one of them. I think about money from the moment I awake til bedtime. You know why?

CitSB: Why?

VL: Because I work at a bank, silly. I’m a banker. And I’m the city treasurer. Money for me is everything. If we want our great city to remain a great city, we have to get control of its finances. Without money there is no city. No art. No literature. No deed restrictions against colored people. No dolphins. Take away money and what do you have? Filthy people living in grass huts mating with their cousins, almost as bad as Torrance. But with money, you know what you have?

CitSB: What?

VL: Sub-Zero. Wolf. Prada. Clever bond trades, sub-prime mortgages, and of course Club Med, not to mention The Four Seasons.

CitSB: By Vivaldi?

VL: What?

CitSB: Nothing. Okay, so with money …

VL: You get to move out of Torrance.

CitSB: Check. Moving on, let’s talk about some of the issues that your opponents have raised, for example Ms. King’s 20-year marriage. How long have you been married?

VL: What does that have to do with anything?

CitSB: And she went to Stanford, whereas you went to Berkeley. I think most people would agree that Berkeley is pretty much third-fiddle to Stanford, and why should the voters go with a candidate who went to school with merely smart people when they could go with a candidate who went to school with people who were smart AND rich AND white?

VL: Well, the rest of my opponents went to schools like Cal State Fullerton, or Mr. McCarthy, who’s from New Jersey where they don’t even go to school as far as I know. So on balance, when you look at how much I love money, I think it puts me on a level with Ms. King, and way above the other candidates.

CitSB: I guess the other big issue is how long you’ve lived in PVE. Everyone who’s ever been subjected to a city council meeting knows that the first thing the angry citizens do is dodder up to the microphone and say, “I moved here in 1827 …” as if that validates the irrational, crazy, bizarre, and batshit crazy statement they’re about to make. That’s really a big deal here. How do you plan to deal with your novelty? Ten years in PVE? That’s like … nothing.

VL: I’d like to point out that even though I have only lived here ten years and money, I really love it here money. It is a wonderful community and money. My children went to high school and money here …

CitSB: But they went to junior high and elementary somewhere else, right?

VL: So? BIG FUCKING DEAL. They went to high school at PV Estates. PV High. Munnnnnny. Munnnnnnnnnnnny!! They are Poseidons through and through!

CitSB: Where did they go to junior high?

VL: None of your business. This interview is so stupid.

CitSB: Torrance?

VL: (Shrieks in a purple rage) Listen here you deadbeat blogger weirdo freak! You call me a Torrancer again and I’ll knock your teeth down your throat!

CitSB: Sorry; that was uncalled for. One last major issue question?

VL: WHAT?

CitSB: 600 Via Gorrion.

VL: (Relaxes) I think that is a non-issue. That house is not the ugliest house in PVE. There are at least three others just as ugly, and one that is uglier. So let’s not pick on those kind Astroturf salesman-type laborers.

CitSB: And of course I have to ask you about the Big Orange biker gang that has been terrorizing the local unicorns.

VL: It’s a complex issue but basically we should kill them.

CitSB: Thank you.

VL: You’re welcome.

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END

Meet the Candidates, Part 2

February 12, 2019 § 5 Comments

Today we got to interview Michael Kemps, Palos Verdes Estates city council candidate and CEO/founder of a major tech firm that has changed the way America buys pencils. Michael took a moment out of his hectic campaign schedule to brief us on the key issues in this watershed PV Estates election.

CitSB: So, Michael, your core values are?

MK: Money. Money and whiteness.

CitSB: Okay, well you appear to be well qualified on both counts. Can you tell us a little about your love of money, how you came to love it, why it’s your guiding passion, that kind of thing?

MK: Sure. From my earliest memories I loved money. The way it smells. The way the coins jingle in your pockets. And of course I was born here in PVE.

CitSB: I didn’t know they had a hospital here.

MK: I wasn’t born in a hospital. My parents were so devoted to PVE that they insisted I be born on the kitchen table, delivered right along with the Hamburger Helper and the Campbell’s cream of chicken soup. And I was.

CitSB: I see. And that’s how you came to love money so much?

MK: And whiteness. I have it in my blood, in my bones. So it was natural that I went on to found one of the most important tech startups in America.

CitSB: And that is?

MK: Pencils ‘R Us.

CitSB: Okay. Pencils. Sounds, well, not too glamorous, but inventive, I guess, sort of. A little. And how has Pencils ‘R Us prepared you for the city council?

MK: As you can imagine, I’ve been ridiculed all my adult life for being an online purveyor of pencils. The jokes are endless and mean, and I believe that well-deserved ridicule is a core part of this city’s political life. But I’ve persevered, and I believe that my love of whiteness and money has prepared me well for making sure that the PVE city council will be better provisioned with pencils than any municipal government in America. And we handle erasers, too.

CitSB: Okay, so in your positioning statement you say, “Preserving the character, culture and charm of our neighborhoods is vital.” What does this mean?

MK: It means whiteness. We are a white community with a very white character. And that is being lost. Second, our white culture. Threats from the outside are threatening this white culture. Remember that our city’s original grant deeds limited ownership to whites only. Think about that. “Whites only.” Doesn’t mean browns, tans, or octoroons. Means white. Finally, the charm of PVE. What is our charm? It’s the city’s whiteness. Whiteness is charming and we need to keep that.

CitSB: How is the city’s whiteness being challenged?

MK: Oh, you see it everywhere, every day. I’m not naming names, but we currently have a non-white mayor. That’s a first, and hopefully a last.

CitSB: Got it. So you make a lot out of the fact that you were born here, spent your whole life here, are PVE through and through. How does that help you in this PVE election compared to your opponents?

MK: Well, it means I’m more narrow-minded than an already very, very narrow-minded pool of candidates. Imagine if I’d ever had to learn a second language, or read a poem, or had lived in a third world country like Torrance. It has taken a lifetime for me to develop this insularity. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither were these blinders.

CitSB: I suppose the most impressive thing on your resume is where you say you are experienced at “coordinating multiple home and business remodel and construction projects.” Can you elaborate?

MK: Oh, sure. We’ve remodeled our kitchen four times, and you know what?

CitSB: What?

MK: Each time it has been better, bigger, and more brushed-steel Subzero than the last time. Any man who can coordinate a kitchen remodel is a man who can do anything. And the voters in PVE, aside from respecting whiteness and money, respect kitchen remodels. It’s the PVE trifecta. Add facelifts fourfecta, five if you count boob jobs.

CitSB: So you and your wife like to cook?

MK: Oh, please. We just use the microwave. The kitchen’s a showpiece, but sometimes we let the maid use it.

CitSB: Moving on, what are your thoughts about the Big Orange cycling gang that is killing the local unicorns by running all the stop signs?

MK: This is our city’s single biggest issue. We need more police patrols. More traffic stops. Body armor. Arrests. That kind of thing. We need a Broken Windows type of policing policy towards these vicious hooligans. The moment they run a stop sign, bam! Cuff, stuff, life without parole.

CitSB: That’s a lot more gentle than your failed opponent, who advocated summary execution and a border wall.

MK: Those things should be on the table, too. I’m just talking about life in prison as a first step.

CitSB: I see. First life, and then the death penalty?

MK: Yes. Right before you die. Rot in prison for 75 years and then as you’re coughing up blood, drag ’em out to the firing squad or hook ’em up to Old Sparky. I’m not opposed to collective guilt, either, and that includes Big O cycling gangsters who don’t even ride in PV. And their families. And don’t tell me our prisons are full. Build more.

CitSB: I guess that naturally leads to a question about where you stand regarding Shrimpy McScampi, PVE’s most notorious crank, Internet troll, and criminal defendant.

MK: Shrimpy? He is white, isn’t he?

CitSB: I think so.

MK: And rich, right?

CitSB: He says he is.

MK: Then you can lay off him. Would I want him to marry my wife? Probably not yet. But does he have all the rights that go along with being white and having money? Absolutely.

CitSB: One last question.

MK: Shoot.

CitSB: You’ve gone on record as saying “We need to effectively balance private home remodel growth with the overzealous development efforts of those seeking large, looming structures that destroy views and violate the spirit of our Neighborhood Compatibility Ordinance (NCO).” Did you have any particular home in mind?

MK: Well, we could start with that eyesore on 600 Via Gorrion. Ugliest monstrosity since Stonehenge. I mean, why didn’t they just dump a 100-foot-high stack of boards and rocks in a pile, spray paint it, and call it “home”?

CitSB: Well, white people with money have a right to live in huge dumpsters designed by expensive architects, don’t they? Isn’t that part of white culture?

MK: Yes, but that oblong port-a-potty takes the cake. And as council member I’ll make sure that festering blights like that never get approved unless there is some exceptional whiteness and money demonstrated in the permit application.

CitSB: Anything you’d like to add?

MK: My wife is white. So are my kids. And we intend to stay that way.

CitSB: Thanks, Michael.

MK: You’re welcome.

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END

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