Wankmeister cycling clinic #8: Last minute BWR questions

April 13, 2012 § 16 Comments

Dear Wankmeister:

I’ve gotten one of the coveted BWR invites. Can my gal tag along?

Joindat Thehip

Dear Joindat:

Marital and other successful relationships follow this simple rule: don’t ever get too far apart, but don’t ever get too close, either. In other words, it’s okay to share beds and exchange bodily fluids, but it’s not okay to stand at the bathroom mirror flossing your teeth while your partner’s crumping a hairy beet.

As to the Belgian Waffle Ride, I’m unsure what you mean by “tag along.” Spend the night before the ride with you in the hotel? Sure. Remain on standby in Carlsbad so she can come scrape you out of the mud pit on Country Club Rd. after you’ve sunken up to your neck and thrown in the towel? Of course. Sign for the cadaver? Not a problem. Anything beyond that, though, the answer is probably “No.”


Dear Wankmeister:

I didn’t get one of the coveted invites, but I read about the ride on a bike forum. Is the invite thing just a clever marketing ploy to boost attendance? Is there a problem if I just show up and do the ride? How you gonna stop me?

Tubby Talksalot

Dear Tubby:

Don’t feel bad about not getting an invitation. Neither did about six billion other people, including President Obama, all of the Nobel Prizewinners from last year, and Tom Boonen. You’re in top tier company, and can now tell your forum friends, “Me and Tommeke ain’t doing that ride.” The reason for the invitations is simple: BWR has limited quantities of food, drink, sag support, and security staff with batons and riot shotguns. They’d love to make the ride available to bike forum hackers like you…but not really.

By the way, when you hear about a wedding or other social event that requires an invitation, do you normally chalk it up to a “clever marketing ploy” or do you assume that the holders of the event actually knew who they wanted to attend? (Hint: the way you answer this question will determine whether you stay home, or show up and get politely but firmly turned away with cudgels, curses, tasers, and rubber bullets.)

Socially graceful,

Dear Wankmeister:

I just scored a set of carbon tubular Zipp 808’s with bladed neutronium oxide spokes and deuterium nipples on eBay for $3,000. I raced on them in Ontario and they are the bomb as far as crit wheels go. Wanna know how fast these wheels are? I almost took Charon in the sprint. Another 500 or 600 meters and I woulda had ‘im. Whaddaya think for BWR? Go or no go?

Zippy Didoodah

Dear Zippy:

Let me put it this way, if I may. The Belgian Waffle Ride will not reward “trick,” or “aero,” or “high performance” items, including you. It will, however, reward “durable,” “battle-tested,” “relatively heavy,” and “built like a brick shithouse.” That which is capable of surviving long-term abuse and a merciless, inhuman beating will do well. I’m not talking about your bike.


Dear Wankmeister:

First: I had an invite but have decided not to go on the BWR. The Mulholland Challenge is that weekend plus I have church on Sunday plus my daughter Pixie has an important cheer practice plus my wife and I usually do a Saturday night date night plus I have a pretty tough work week on Monday and would probably be a bit tired after BWR. Second: Can I sell my invitation?

Smith Adams

Dear Smith:

First, you are to be commended for recognizing the impossibility of you actually completing BWR, and rather than just failing to show up, which would be rude, taking the time to create a mosaiced, finely-textured and detailed tapestry of shitbag excuses why you can’t attend. I know you already feel better, as the crushing pressure of fear, terror, inadequacy, delusion, confusion, and raw, paralyzing self-doubt have now been lifted in one quick string of plausible but completely untrue pretexts for not attending.

Second, no.


Dear Wankmeister:

This is kind of a double question thingy. Is BWR a good way for me to lose weight? Then, is it okay to load up on Girl Scout cookies for my pre-ride nutrition? These are related.

Jenny Craig

Dear Jenny:

BWR is a very good way for you to lose weight. You will not weigh nearly as much once your legs have fallen off somewhere after Bandy Canyon but before Questhaven.

As for the Girl Scout cookies, and I hate to sound rude or intrusive here, but are you a communist lesbian? An Indiana lawmaker recently discovered the Internet, and after expending himself on the search results from “humongous dude does chicken,” wandered over to the Google search aisle for Girl Scouts.

Here’s what fearless Rep. Morris learned: “The Girl Scouts of the United States of America and the World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts have entered into a close strategic affiliation with Planned Parenthood, which is trying to sexualize young girls through the Girl Scouts. Even worse, only three of the 50 role models promoted by the Girl Scouts have even a briefly-mentioned religious background. All the rest are feminists, lesbians, or Communists,” he wrote.

Morris noted that the “radically pro-abortion” Michelle Obama is honorary president of Girl Scouts of America, which “should give each of us reason to pause before our individual or collective endorsement of the organization.” After learning all this, Morris pulled his two daughters out of the Girl Scouts and instead put them in American Heritage Girls Little Flowers, a parent-run group for recovering Girl Scouts.

So basically, if you’re a radical pro-abortion atheist communist lesbian first lady girl sexualizer, yeah, load up on the cookies.


Dear Wankmeister:

I saw the FOX news story saying Ryan Trebon will be at BWR. Who is that wanker? He looks too big to be any good.

Frieda Flintstone

Dear Frieda:

Ryan Trebon is a newly minted cyclocross racer who, after three years of hard training, has graduated from public racing to the Cat 5’s. He’s coming on BWR to learn some tips and tricks from folks like you, so go easy on him, especially the sandy, muddy, rocky, and gravelly parts. He’s hoping that if he finishes before sundown someone will take him under their wing and show him how to mountain bike, too.


Dear Wankmeister:

This ride looks way to hard. Where can I buy a winner’s jersey? Also, I like the KOW jersey. I want one of those, too.

Sammy Sniffles

Dear Sammy:

The great thing about cycling is that in order to look like your favorite pro racer all you have to do is click-and-pay. This is because the UCI’s cornerstone principle is that professionals must use bicycles and equipment available to the general public. This everyman, communal nature of the sport is what separates cycling from F-1 racing, NASCAR, or wars in Asia: it’s just out of the average Joe’s means to purchase the latest Formula race car or an A-10 with uranium-enriched bullets such as currently employed as badass motherfucking terrorist destroying, American hero ass-saving angels of destruction in the netherworld of a fucking wasteland that is Afghanistan.

Even though your rides inevitably end with a shellacking, a beating, and a humiliating dustoff before the hard part ever happens, nothing can take away the pride and satisfaction of pulling on a brand new version of Team Tommeke and pedaling out the door on the same bike that won Roubaix.

In the same vein, the BWR winner’s jersey and KOW (King of the Waffle) jersey are for sale, available to any couch potato schmo, not simply the crushing superhuman who surmounts the mud, the gravel, the dirt, the climbs, the rollers, the wind, the rain, the sprints, the attacks, and the slow death by attrition. To order, please send a cashier’s check for $983.25 per jersey to: Wankmeister Productions, POB 1, Guernsey Isles, UX-20189.

Dear Wankmeister:

While perusing the parcours, I noticed that the portion on Country Club Road looks yucky and gooey. Will there be a skinny on that giant mud puddle or are you expected to trudge through, which would get my pretty little shoes tres soaked? Or, can I bring along Davy Dawg to lay in it so we can ride over him? He’s such a team player!

Goody Twoshoes

Dear Goody:

The problem with bringing Davy Dawg is that although he weighs 300 lbs. and is twelve feet wide, he is all muscle. As you may recall from freshman physics, muscle, unlike lard, sinks. So even if you brought Davy Dawg and laid him down in the mud, he’d go right to the bottom of the quicksand hole and you’d still get your shoes all icky. If you are still determined not to get your shoes muddy, I would recommend you do the ride with galoshes. Most of the other riders will have them, along with bright yellow rain slickers.


Dear Wankmeister:

I received one of the coveted invites, however, I’m a very giving kind of dude, so I was wondering how much in the way of feminine anti-chafing products I should I bring to hand out to friends?

Veggie Sill

Dear Veggie:

It’s odd that you expect this gathering of hardened competitors will require feminine anti-chafing products. Perhaps you should be more concerned about the tender state of your undersized manparts? I have it on good authority that some of the participating biker chicks will be showing up prepared to stomp dick, kick scrote, and inflict all manner of rude and unladylike physical insults to the majority of the sausages on the ride. But I could be wrong, even though Wankmeister IS NEVER WRONG.

Unfailingly correct,

Why you should buy these beat to shit frames

April 12, 2012 § 10 Comments

I get the whole product review thing. Manufacturer sends spanking new product to journalist swag whore, who pimps the product to his readers by saying what a great thing it is even if it’s a piece of shit, because even if it’s a piece of shit another MFR will send him new swag in three weeks anyway. Readers, who have sadly misplaced confidence in swag whore, and who are unaware of swag whore’s incestuous relationship with MFR, run out and buy the product.

Like I said, I get that.

And because it involves swag, and pimping, and whoring, and backroom dealing, and a fair measure of duplicity and deceit, I think it’s awesome.

However, I have a problem with the process–there’s no post-coital cigarette to wrap up the whole sordid deal.

The proper post-coital cigarette for swag whores

In other words, after posting that glorious review of the 2008 Oakley Dipshits, why don’t we get a follow-up review six months or one year later? I understand that it doesn’t fit with the product cycle, but you’d think that it would fit with the alleged “journalistic integrity” that at least some of these writer-blogger swine claim to have regarding the shit they pimp. Maybe if products got the obligatory “It’s wonderful” blowjob followed by “This was a real turdblossom” beatdown half a year later, manufacturers in the bike industry would take a longer and harder look at the crap they sell, and cyclists wouldn’t wind up with so much totally worthless crap cluttering their garage or bedroom.

A great example is my (former) Zipp 404’s. When they came out, they were the bomb. Rim dimpling and all kinds of neat shit guaranteed to slice through the wind and turn the lamest mule into a racehorse. After a couple of years of constant wear, tear, abuse, smashing, bashing, almost-crashing, and hard labor of every kind, they didn’t roll worth a shit. The plastic fairing came loose and had to be replaced. Micro-cracks started appearing where the nipple fits into the plastic. Spoke nipples corroded and cracked. I know what you’re going to say…”Well, what did you expect?”

The answer is, I expected them to still be pretty sweet after a couple of years since they were so expensive. Had I known that Zipps roll with the smoothness of a gravel truck after hard use I might not have bought them. In any case, it would have been great information to have. But the swag whores don’t review stuff that way. No one will ever pick up the 404’s from 2009 and in 2012 give them the painstaking, meticulous kind of review that they received from the reviewers when they came out (you know who are, whores). A string of post-review write-ups about the various editions of the 404’s might make people more cautious, or, if the results are positive, more enthusiastic when the newest, latest, and greatest rolls off the production line in Taiwan.

Pabulum for the proles

In the world of two-dollar whores masquerading as virgins, no one beats VeloNews. Take a minute to read this review of Oakley’s latest offering. It has everything: admission that the product hasn’t been tested at all; admission that the product went straight from swag box to article review; recommendation that you should buy something now that will be evaluated LATER.

You know that the only real evaluation this product will ever get is yours if you buy it. If it’s crap, there’s another few hundred bucks down the drain. Hey, it’s only money!

A real post-coital review

On November 4, 2011, I reviewed a pair of SPY Quanta prescription glasses that had been provided to me as swag. I’d used them for about a month, maybe two, by the time I wrote the review. I loved them.

Since first putting them to use in late September, I have about 150 hours of riding time in these frames, maybe more. Since I ride early in the morning and they’re a clear prescription lens, the first 1-2 hours of my ride are usually with the Quanta, especially in winter when the sun comes up so late. They are also the only frame I wear on the indoor track in Carson, at the Home Depot’s VeloCenter, where I ride once a week.

I was initially impressed with these SPY glasses simply because they handled my large correction and, unlike the Oakleys they replaced, had a wide field of vision. I can now say that my impression was completely correct, only more so. The wrap around has literally changed the way I ride. It greatly minimizes my need to turn my head and allows me to ride making full use of my peripheral vision.

Having not ridden with any meaningful peripheral vision for thirty years, this is like having a new set of eyes. No longer forced to crane my neck to get the details of the wanker coming up on the inside, no longer forced to jerk my head to the left when the roar of an angry engine sounds like it’s going to pass with inches to spare, I can now do what normal-eyed people do everywhere: use my peripheral vision. It has kept me upright on several occasions, and allowed me to chop offending wankers at will.

The incredible field of vision that spans the edges of the lens is due to a special process SPY uses when they grind the lenses that allows the focal point of the lens to be off center, so rather than having a single “sweet spot” in the middle of the lens through which you get the clearest look, the prescription spreads the focal point throughout the curvature of the lens. I don’t know how they do it, maybe with magic soup or pixie dust or some shit, but if you are a terribly near-sighted rider, these glasses will literally open your eyes.

As a true performance frame, the Quanta has five distinct gripping points that I’ve never had in another pair of glasses. The wraparound end of the arms is covered with a typical rubber grip along the last couple of inches, so the point where the end of the arm meets the skin above your ear secures the frame. Next, the upper portion of the arms are bent so that they follow the contour of your skull, creating two additional, continuous points of contact to keep the glasses in place. I’ve ridden with long hair and with a buzz cut since having these glasses, and they handle mega-hair and skinhead with equal ease. Copious amounts of sweat affect the frames’ grip not at all.

The final contact point is the substantial nose piece, which has giant, hooked metal nails that you pound into your septum with a hammer, allowing the rusty barbs to grab the cartilage like a fish hook stuck down the craw of a shark. It’s a bit painful, but nothing like what you’re going to experience on the BWR.

Actually, the nose piece is made of soft rubber with shallow grooves that grip your nose firmly. Despite crazy-ass sprinting on the velodrome, wild-ass sprinting on the road, flailing from side to side on the steeps in the Santa Monicas, desperately spinning my head around to see how many inches I’ve gained on the field in one of my blistering attacks, these glasses don’t budge at all.

Despite riding in an area that is often socked in with heavy fog, the inside of the lenses almost never fogs up. The more I ride with the Quanta, the more I appreciate their lightness for such a large, wraparound frame with big prescription lenses. Best of all, they’ve been subjected to multiple falls, punches, drops, kicks, and last-minute jersey pocket cramdowns as I fumble with my dark-lens Diablos once the sun is up. There’s virtually no scratching on the lenses even with more or less constant abuse.

The capacious storage bag wads up into nothing, and is made of a material that never seems to get dirty no matter how many times you use it to clean the lens. I know that sounds impossible and crazy and beyond the outer limit of believable, but so what? It’s the truth.


So now you understand that I love these glasses. However, I’m not simply recommending that you buy a pair of Quanta frames. I’m also recommending that you take the same critical eye you may have towards this “review” and use it on the glitzy, we-admit-it’s-all-marketing approach used by VeloNews to promote Oakley and their ilk. Demand that people who tell you buy something have the balls to show up six months later and tell you how that worked out in real life. Demand that the people who review the stuff you buy have an investment in it.

Which leads to the next part…my investment in SPY.

Since first learning that my friend MMX is running the show, and since getting a chance to test drive glasses that have radically improved the safety and enjoyability and performance of the avocation I love, I’ve invested significantly in SPY.

“How does a dead-broke blogger dude who has to get his eyewear for free have enough money to invest in a listed company?” you’re probably wondering.

Here’s how: my investment isn’t financial. It’s emotional. I’ve watched a guy with whom I’ve ridden thousands of miles take the same approach to SPY that he takes to riding his bike. Full-on. Ethical. At the front. Demanding the very best from himself, and refusing to accept anything less from those around him. Undying commitment to growth through the grass roots.

I’ve watched him use home-grown talent to design his bike kits through StageOne and Joe Yule, watched him outsource kit manufacturing to Squaddra, another Carlsbad firm, watched him give the sock deal to San Diego-based DeFeet, watched him hire (and work the shit out of) local cyclists, motocross racers, surfers, MTB’ers, ‘crossers, skiers, and snowboarders, and you know what else?

I’ve watched him pour money, product, sponsorship, and energy into grass roots cycling, everything from races, to big clubs, to casual non-racing Freddies who nonetheless walk the walk. If it were only these things, that would be enough for me to encourage–nay, demand–that you chunk your Oakley/Smith multinational eyewear in favor of SPY. But in addition to all that, he’s hellbent on putting the best possible product in front of your eyeballs. Stuff that looks good, that protects your eyes, and that improves your performance.

On top of that, a percentage of SPY’s profits go to local charities that help people see better.

And you’d rather throw your money into the coffers of multinationals that also make chick handbags and buy materials from the cheapest suppliers no matter where they’re located? You’d rather support a cycling eyewear company whose only investment in the sport is pouring money into pro teams? Really? Do you also beat your dog?

Please don’t beat your dog

At the end of the day, as people like to say when they’ve run out of substance and are going to try and shove some non sequitur piece of choplogic down your throat, there’s an even better reason to support this company and their eyewear, even if it means you have to toss your Assos Zeghole swag, admit that it sucks, and do the right thing. How many CEO’s of listed companies actually participate as full-throated competitors and promote their product through grass roots events like the Belgian Waffle Ride?

Do you want to support someone who is an anonymous corporate drone chopping wood for the shareholders in Hong Kong, Sweden, and the UK…or someone who’s out there supporting YOU?

A letter to mother

April 11, 2012 § 1 Comment

Dear Mom:

I really love you a lot. I hope you know that. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be what I am today. Well, I guess it’s not all your fault. Anyway, just wanted to take a sec and tell you you’re the best mom ever, and it’s been good times being your son. Just remember, anyone can be a father, but only a mother can be a mommy!

So, anyway, I had some details I wanted to go over with you for the “post-BWR me” if that’s cool and if now is not a good time that’s cool too. My first choice is the solid cherry. Its got a patented locking mechanism that’s so no one can get inside I guess. I want to have my SPY kits with me and once people know where I am they will probably try to swipe them so the locking mechanism would shut that down cold. I reckon it would.

Then I’d like the satin finish, which is very classy and sort of says “This dude was rad” which is pretty cool to be said about I reckon. That is what they will be saying on BWR when I kick their dicks in. Next its got wood bars instead of those aluminum ones so my buds will have something natural to grip when they carry it plus it’s has a safety bottom. I don’t know what that’s for exactly but I reckon its so you don’t fall out of the bottom once you get all mushy but even if you fall through the bottom like so what? Its just dirt.

Then the most rad part is it has a adjustable bed and mattress that is rad. It will be cozy after the BWR beatdown and feel good to. You could adjust your position if you wanted to or if they had to dig you up for to check to make sure you were dead the first time they could readjust all the goop on the mattress which is rad. Now get this it also has swing bar hardware and mom I dont cuss to much but what the fuck is that? And its got a reversible pillow and overthrow I reckon thats for if the pillow gets smelly which it woould after about an hour cuz your fucking dead and they can reverse it so it’s not so smelly. But I’m thinking if youre dead what the fuck do you care what the pillow smells like you know. The overthrow is cool to. That’s like a throwover they just throw it over you just make sure it dont cover up my Sidis which are rad.

Its only $3795 which is cheaper than the all copper one which is rad too and to make it uber rad could you get it with the Wilberts Bronze Triune thanks mom! That’s like the overcase that the solid cherry goes into, kind of like a double bagger on your dingdong when you think the first rubber might bust. But the triune costs $3895 extra (ouch) I love you mom but im not worth that much, I mean unless you really love me.

Now then it prolly sounds like a lot of money and I know that you have been struggling and living is tough in that tarp and cardboard thing they made for you down at the Occupy place but still for only $3795 the solid cherry is a deal its cheaper than my Specialized Scratch frame which I want put in with me too. I know I cant ride it when I’m dead but theres no freaking way I’m gonna let Hockeystick get it. No on that and I mean no. And he dont get my BWR finisher jersey either because he quit early with Miller and Mazer and Junkyard and Toronto and Arkansas Traveler and they was all just thongwatching and beating off down at the beach while I was paying the ultimate price sacrifice. “All gave some (except those wankers), some gave all.”

NOw there is also a thing on the same internet weg site I found as the solid cherry called “An inexpensive alternative for families. Cloth covered caskets are moderately priced as a result of the construction materials used in their manufacturing process.” and it says it’s made out of hemp cloth. Now thats cool because hemp is dope I’m pretty sure being stoned to fuck for eternity is rad but I don’t want to be rolled like a joint and stuck in the ground fuck no mom. Cherry wood, solid, please. If you want to toss in one of your bongs and an ounce of the good shit thats cool to but again keep an eye on Hockeystick back in the day they called him “Bogart.”

So next lets work on my obiterary notice which should be in the major newspapers like Velonews NYCBikeSnob and Twitter. I already no what it should say so you wont hve to haggle with the funeral director. Those guys are dicks sometimes and you would be too if everytime a dead body came over you were like “Oh maam thats so terrible I’m so sorry what a tragic loss you must be devastated,” but inside your really going “Rock on, another stiff, cha-ching!!” That’s fucked up.

I want the obiterary to be same as my headstone and to say exactly like these words: “Wankmeister was a badass motherfucker. He didnt take nofucking prisoners and didn’t ask for any, either. He was a real badass. He knew the BWR was gonna kill his fukkin ass but he didn’t give a fuck I reckon he didn’t no sir. He fucking drilled it as long as he could until he blew a cork and fucking died and all his socalled buddies ran over his dick. Then he was dead. And all the pussies who said BWR is for pussies and sent him links to that UltraPlanet bullshit stuff for pussies well they are a bunch of pussies. RIP. Born a long fucking time ago and died young making a good-lookin corpse. Plus he was coached by Captaintbag who is rad.”

Now my ballbearers are gonna be my best buds I want Hockeystick not cuz hes my best bud but so everyone can keep an eye on him from swiping the Scratch he’s got his eyes on it I’m telling you and no I’m not paranoid. And I want G3 because he will be crcking jokes and peeing on the fake flowers for laughs that will be rad. And I want Zeke because he is Dog. And I want New Girl and LEgit Girl and Sparkles and Mel and Mighty Mouse and Tink and Trixie and Dara and VV and all the other smokin hot broads put them in bikinis please little tiny ones. And I want MMX so we can serve him with the lawsuit papers for killing me on the BWR in the first place that fukker. And I dont care that hes drunk and in Milwaukee I want Filds and the Amsterdam Hammer and Unkl Phil to. If Glasship shows up witch he won’t he still owes me for firing me just before Christmas that douche and not severancing me any money.

For my clergy they should be Catholic-Jewish-Baptist and do the regular thing with the goat but keep the blood off my cherry solid. I will leave it to you mom to figure out what they say but make sure it includes this: “Oh Dog [this is wehre Zeke will wag his fukkin tail and knock over the vase and stick his nose up the girsl crotches] he was a badass send his fukkin ass to heaven and if you cant do that because he was an atheist send him to hell but in no event to Lubbock. He kicked in a lot of dicks in his time and he always gave a lot of you sorry fukkers in the audience his wheel even though you didn’t deserve it. Bless us this day our heavenly bread in the valley of evil though we may walk to radness amen, in Dog’s name, dudes.”

Don’t worry about decorating the grave just my old Garmin and printouts of my Strava KOM’s is enough especially that badass on the downhill of VDM nobody’s ever gonna crack that beatch. Bull is so far in second place he’ll never beat that KOM. You can give away my Capo socks too. But not my BWR finisher’s tee-shirt although Hockeystick will offer you money for it tell him to fuck off and he still owes me five bucks.

Now then you will have to pick a funeral director which is also the same as the embalmer. If more than 24 hours goes by between the end of the BWR and interment, the law hereabouts says that the remains got to be refrigerated or embalmed so dont put me in the fridge please. I don’t want somebody reaching in for a cold one and hauling out my frozen dick.

You can skimp on the embalming too if you just go straight to burial and save the money mom. Don’t get too freaked out the embalmer washes the body with spermicidal soap and replaces the blood with embalming fluid to preserve the body but I won’t have much blood it will all have drained out on Bandy Canyon, sure, mostly through my eyes and ears and nose. They may reshape and reconstruct disfigurements using materials, such as clay, cotton, plaster of Paris, and wax because frankly I’m gonna look all fukked over after BWR and there’s no point in open-casket gawking if my fukkin elbow is coming out my ass.

They also may slather on the cosmetics to make me look more naturally colorful pinkish rather than gray and yellow, and cut-n-glue to get rid of the grimaces. Then dress the body and place it in a casket but SPY kit all the way baby. Put some of my Ironfly shit in there to so Fukdude isn’t too pissed but how pissed can he be he never invited me on his pursuit team and theres nobody in the fuckin 45+ to race with anyway and so Fireman doesnt go ballistic. Ironfly sox would be rad.

Although I want burial in a casket, cremation might be fun too, which is where they burn the shit out of you in a special giant deal like a barbecue cooker, it can be more convenient and cheaper. AFterward you can be easily ship the bones and ashes and shit around to friends and shit or keep them at home in your tent, or even scatter them over the ocean which is weird because I cant swim. Mom, if you put my cremains in some kind of receptacle dont make it in the kitty litter box because they will get shat on and cat poop is way worse than dog poop except for Zeke. You can get something rad at the Container Store

IF you end up going with this place I’m sending you to, “Bill’s Family Funerals, A Place for the Whole Family,” which is a family-run business kind of like a bike shop, its in Carlsbad so they’ll be able to get my cadaver straight from the BWR finish to the funerary, you have to treat them like a bike shop. Don’t fucking take the first price and always get the team discount. Thats NOT 15 percent which is the FRED discount. Always get 30% that is for the HAMMERS. fucking Stern-O never fucking pays retail dont you either mom. Thirty percent.

You can also get some great deals on the internet better than Bill’s but like at a bike shop go to Bills first and get all the info and even test drive the cherry solid to make sure its rad then order it online lots cheaper. Bill will still service the body and do al the shitwork just like a LBS. Not your fucking problem mom if they dont make any money and go bankrupt you didnt’ tell them to be a funeral shop . Dont sign up for any bullshit post-death support group activities bullshit either. Do you really want to sit around on Friday evenings with some douchebag crying over how daddy got plucked away in the flower of his youth and he was only on his fith DUI? course not.

You can get a rad hearse like the one in the picture and the driver is pretty rad because he’s badass enough to keep Hockeystick from stealing the Scratch and the bong but I’d rather go in Surfer Dan’s vanagon which is old and rusted to fuck but highly rad. G$ can make some bitching rad logo with purple and green and orange and shit and some big ass angry orange on the front and fly it like a flag off the vanagon.

And one last hing, mom. If they try to pin that fucking purple jersey on my dead body don’t you let them. Don’t you fucking dare.


Your Son

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